Life.

Well I am still alive.  Now I am on a new medication that might make my depression worse but I told the doctor I would try it.  I am now looking into naturopathic oncologists as well.  So I might be jumping off this path of treatment or at least partially jumping off.  Anyway I am glad I did it.  I just want to feel and be healthy.  I went to my second dance class - oh so did I write I went to one dance class?  Well I did and now I went to 2 and IT WAS SO GREAT.  If I am going to die I want to dance and if I live I want to dance.  So I am dancing.  I feel so differently about exercise all of a sudden - I am back to wanting to be in my body.  Anyway I am writing fast because I want to update my website with shows.  Ugh my friend died - another comedian - she was the first person to put me onstage.  Saying onstage is generous to say the least since it was her open mic and by the time I got there it was over and everyone had left.  It was just her in an empty bar.  But she said go ahead and try it.  So I had some stuff written on a napkin and she, my boyfriend and a bouncer from where I worked watched me and I fell in love with comedy.  She did that for so many fucking people - it's so sad.  I don't know what the fuck happened.  I will miss her - she was fucking amazing - a bright, beautiful light.  Fuck.  I want to live now.  I want to live well, healthy and happy if I can.  I went to an alanon meeting this morning and an AA meeting this afternoon.  There was a woman there with a baby and I was looking at them and wondering what kind of pacifier it was he had because it looked so weird and yes where I am going is that it WAS HER BOOB.  I was so grossed out.  I really thought "That is why I don't have kids because GROOOOSSSSSSS."  I LOVE KIDS and BABIES but good Lord no thanks.  Anyway so I also thought how people always say cancer is tough and I really thought how the fuck do these women stay sober with someone literally hanging off their boobs??  Grace I guess.  Anyway I have to go - I'm in a big rush for no reason.  I hope my friend is at peace.  I hope she died peacefully.  I hope she wasn't in pain.  So many people loved her - she is going to have such a beautiful send off.  Life is short and precious.  I want to live well for her.  For all of us.  Um what?  Bye.