Chicken Sausage

Today is a day of reflection and chicken sausage.  It's my birthday tomorrow and after this year I can't help but think back over it.  It was also almost a year ago that I found out I had cancer.  To say I am emotional is an understatement.  Actually at the moment I am not emotional.  I just got off the phone with my sponsor and I had a chicken sausage so I am not crying anymore.  I have been getting this organic chicken sausage from Trader Joe's and it is soooooo good.  I mean GOOD.  Tasty but clean feeling and not too strong - just yummy.  Yeah really good.  I just ate one and wanted 3 more.  Gonna leave it to one right now since it is humid and the humidity is not the time (for me anyway) to eat my way through something.  It's been a long year.  How did I get through it?  The biopsies were so terrifying and so was chemo.  For sure the most physically scared I have ever been.  I am still in treatment till November I think but the really crazy part is past.  I still need to have a work-up of tests and I suppose that is scaring me also.  I made the best choices for myself that I could and I am going to stand by them.  Also when I get nervous about not doing another surgery I want to remember that I am still in chemo.  I am still getting a chemo that is taking care of those specific cancer cells.  I have been working really hard at being more positive and thinking more positively and I think in doing that it is kicking up my disease in a way.  I can feel myself thinking from a different part of my brain.  It is switching to the right side of my brain.  I suppose one day a balanced brain thinking will be good but for now I am so happy it is switching to the right because for whatever reason it feel more positive over there.  Just lighter.  This morning I woke up fairly early and while I was praying and meditating the garbage trucks came.  It was so nice to be awake - and happily awake - while they were going about their morning.  It felt healthy.  I wasn't hung over and I wasn't exhausted from staying up too late and I wasn't enraged.  All of this work I do feels so tedious sometimes but my God - to just be awake and fell healthy and grateful in the morning is such a beautiful thing.  Holy shit I'm tired.  I am taking those kids to the pool today and then I don't think I will see them for 3 weeks.  Which is good - I will get a break and I can keep organizing myself and healing.  I haven't gone on any auditions and I am pretty sure there won't be very many till August.  I remember last year when the kids went away I didn't go on one single audition or at least I don't remember going on very many.  It' slow this time of year and that's fine.  I'm just going to practice today.  Practice grateful right side of the brain thinking.  Practice taking care of myself while being as loving and kind as I can be.  Enjoy this day.  Let my body heal itself.  Practice eating the best I can for today.  Be in this life.  Hear the birds, feel the sunshine, love my guy and be grateful for him.  It's his birthday too!  Love you Bluebie bye.