Healthy.

I want to live.  It's hard to say that somehow because it's - what?  THE TRUTH?  Has to do with ME??  I have these 2 diseases.  Alcoholism - which makes me super self-centered and Alanonism (not correct term probs) which mkes me shove myself and my feelings aside, hyper focus on other people and not take care of myself.  Flip side of same disease coin.  So it's hard to say I want to live.  At this moment it feels selfish.  WHAT THE FUCK.  Good Christ.  It also feels self-centered.  OH BOY.  Well here we go - maybe it is.  Who gives a flying fuck.  I have something to offer and I have something to offer that is WONDERFUL.  I am once again reminded of what a magnificent creation I am.  We all are but I am the one in this particular being boat and so that's what I have to take care of.  And I want to.  This is the crazy part - ready?  I HAVE TO DO SO MUCH TO TAKE CARE OF THIS BEING BOAT.  I have my alcoholism, my alanonism and now my cancer.  So oh boy.  The crazy part is having all these things and having them to take care of is probably what is going to ultimately save me.  This is the thing though....okay.....every year I make goals at the beginning of the year.  This year I want to transcend my anger.  I don't want to ignore my feelings - I want to move past getting stuck in the anger.  It feels so unhealthy in my body and I want my body to be happy now.  I want my body to fell good so I can grow and LIVE.  Literally stay alive.  I honestly and truly feel I have been kept alive for a reason and I want to fulfill that reason.  I honor and respect my life.  How is it possible that I just happened to have health insurance during this time?  How is it that I happened to go to the doctor and she felt something, it was nothing but because I went and got the mammogram they found the cancer?  And then because they did the surgery the way they did it they found the OTHER cancer that was surely going to kill me and you couldn't even SEE on the mammogram or really on the MRI.I just have to trust.  Trust, do my work, move forward with love.  focus on myself.  It's so hard.  It feels lonely somehow.  I hear other voices in my head, negative ones that say these things aren't real.  That nothing matters.  Negativity is okay - it's who we all are.  I hear voices that say I don't have these diseases even - I don't need to do this work - I'm crazy.  Voices that say that I can never be more that I am, I am who I am - the program is in place - what is is.  Well gross.  BARF.  I WANT TO WAKE UP IN THE MORNING AND BE EXCITED TO LIVE.  I woke up too early this morning but I wanted to get up.  I was excited.  I wanted to pray & meditate & write so I would have time to exercise and get to an alanon meeting.  WHAT COULD BE MORE EXCITING LOL.  This is just it - this is what I have to do to keep my spirit and my mind healthy.  I do it happily.  I feel better when I go to meetings - I feel my body healing when I am in meetings.  I feel better in my body when I exercise.  What I would really like to be able to do this next year is take care of myself and do it without being angry at other people.  What am I trying to say?  I want to live and grow in love.  I don't have to be upset because other people don't want to do that!  ITS ALL ALANON.  how fucking annoying is that??  HA.  Sooooooo clearly I have plenty to do!  Breathe.  Breathe and stay on the path one day at a time.  Yes.  LOVE YOU BLUEBIE BYE.