Well........

I have realized something.  Yes I am always realizing something but this something - is important.  To me!!  So I wrote in my journal before I wrote on here this morning and I was writing about some people that I have felt upset about.  Good!  Also my part in these relationships that continue to not only cause me strife but do not nourish me.  There I said it.  The crazy part was that as I was writing in my journal, being as honest as I could about my feelings and what I thought was going on with these relationships and again what my part in them is - I STARTED TO LIE A LITTLE BIT.  Why you ask?  Or maybe you didn't ask - maybe you just stopped reading because you were like "Oh my fucking God I can't stand this bullshit I need to eat a bagel.  Or a muffin or pizza and a calzone."  Maybe you didn't say any of those things and that's just what I would say and I want to just eat those things myself right now - ANYWAY.  I started to lie a little bit because I didn't want to hurt these people's feelings.  In my journal.  That they will never read.  That probably no one will ever read.  Good fucking God does it get more alanonic than that?  Probably.  Should I say codependent?  I never really have registered fear so readily.  Or at least that's what I am saying right at this moment.  But today I say it.  In my writing.  Just afraid to say my own truth.  So here's the truth.  I just have continued in my sobriety to try to get something from relationships that don't nourish me.  They are like pretend relationships.  Some of them I have moved past because I felt SO toxic with these people.  But other ones, not so much.  And it's okay.  It's really okay.  It's just once again about me being responsible for myself and not for trying to tell other people how to live.  Also it's my responsibility to say to myself "This relationship is like McDonalds.  Or like a muffin.  Or cheese fires (Yuuuuuum).  THEY DONT NOURISH ME - even if for brief moments that occasionally give me a warm feeling.  GOD - I still don't feel like I am being completely honest but it's okay.  I have so much to do today to get ready for the holidays and this weekend in general.  I had therapy this week and I realized how blocked I am about receiving abundance.  Side note I would never tell this to normal people.  Maybe I would.  Maybe I wouldn't.  I probably wouldn't.  ANYWAY.  I am blocked!  It's also abundance from people although it is so so soooooo much better.  Fine.  good.  Great.  You know what she said?  "Well we can't fix something until we are aware of it - so it's wonderful that you are aware of it."  Greeeeaaaaaaat.  Haha.  So fucking annoying.  Now I'm at the beginning.  Ha!  But how fucking great is that?  Some people never realize anything and I am REALIZING STUFF ALL THE TIME.  Good Christ this is all so much work right?  Well it's all work as far as I can tell - it's just which way do I want to do the work.  Up or down.  UP OR DOWN?  In or out??  FAT OR IN SHAPE?  Which pain man??  WHICH FUCKING PAIN??  I think maybe it's actually discomfort or pain.  Okay I am going with the uncomfortable choice.  I can not handle the pain anymore.  Plus I don't have any wiggle room - I had CANCER.  I was going to DIE.  If this was 100 years ago or honestly even 20 - I would be dying full on right now if not dead already.  So I choose discomfort.  Now I have to exercise.  It's 10:47 am and I am SO TIRED hahaha.  Okay let's do this.  Love you Bluebie bye.