Can't Sleep.

I'm so tired but I can't sleep.  I read for awhile but nope.  Rested, did my breathing exercises, tried a body scan meditation and nothing.  What are you gonna do?  I finally just got up and decided to write.  I had rehearsal today and jogged in the park.  The guy & I had dinner together and it was a nice day.  This play is sooooooo much lighter to work on - God Lord thank you!  We are laughing at rehearsals and it's been a really nice experience.  I am working hard on my programs and yeah - at all my stuff.  I am uncomfortable and I am so happy to have therapy tomorrow - God so happy.  I just have these resentments floating around in my head but I have been writing letters to people because that's what my sponsor has suggested so that's what I am doing.  I have been very honest with her and she is being very kind and helpful.  I am so grateful.  I am growing away from a drink - at least today and that is the important piece.  I drank coffee a little bit late in the afternoon today so that's why I am up still I think.  I have to say the brain is so crazy because right now my brain wants to tell me it is all these other things that are keeping me up but in general I haven't felt well today....just tired after jogging and maybe a little too thirsty and run down all day.  So I don't feel great but it isn't really anything or anyone that did it.  But my brain wants to attach things to it. 

I feel better from treatment and I think I am definitely healing and detoxing from it.  I wish my nails would grow back - they are just like paper.  My toenails just peel off like little sheets of paper - it's so weird.  They were always so strong - literally like nails.  I don't know - that part is depressing I think but it's okay.  Ego check.  I feel a little lonely....things are changing but I know it's for the best.....it's just right now I am in that time where I have to not have anything while I wait for what is better and healthier to come.  It's a time of patience and trust.  Yeah.  God - so hard.  Well this helped.  I think I am going to just stay here on the couch and meditate again out here.  It's nice and quiet and the cicadas are chirping - I love that sound so much.  Summertime sounds.  Everything seems so surreal this year because I am alive still.  It's such an inside job now...now that I am older and that I just know so deeply that that is what was missing before.  Serenity.  I want serenity.  Not relief although I do want that but serenity.  Happiness.  Gnight sweet Bluebers.