It's a new day and it still isn't easy but I feel slightly less enraged and I am in way less pain emotionally. It was visceral yesterday - I could barely take it. I still feel sad today but I don't feel hopeless. I am impatient to get to where I want to be but also - I need to go slow because I just still have shit I need and want to untangle from my brain. I am just still so shocked that this feeling was underneath everything. It's like I was sitting on a tack and I had no idea until it got totally infected. There is some relief in knowing that this feeling is there. I can't quite explain it but I guess it's because it's the truth. It's what is here and I can't change it if I'm not aware of it. I can pull the tack out and then move towards healing. So I guess that's what I am doing. GOD - who has time to do this shit? If I were working my other job right now I would not be able to do this. I don't know maybe I would. I would just have more to distract me and allow me to push it aside or push it back down - or put a delicious muffin on top. And then pizza on top of that and then some French fries that I dip in a hot fudge caramel sundae. YES. That would numb this pain right the fuck UP. I would also shit myself for at least an entire day at this point - since I don't really eat like that anymore......do you know what I am going to make for dinner? Kale pizza crust with turkey pepperoni and vegan nut mozzarella cheese. That sounds like it could make me shit myself for a full day also - although I don't think it will. I also think part of what was happening is this....
I found a spot on my breast last week - 2 weeks ago? Looked like a bruise - wait did I write about this? I am going to look. Okay no I didn't. So I fond this spot and watched it and it seemed to get darker - I thought it looked like a bruise and I felt around my breast and I didn't feel a lump but that breast is tender and it made me nervous. I kept watching it and it never went away and in fact just got darker and then it seemed like it was in multiple spots which was alarming to say the least. I was terrified to go to the doctor because I don't want a biopsy done and they want to cut my boobs off. They keep saying to me "You can change your mind and do it whenever you want." like it's a SWEATER that is going to go on sale. FUCKING gross. I am also not taking the pills - I can't. Can you imagine how sad I am NOW and then also being on the pills? Holy shit. HOLY SHIT! I couldn't do it. God so I was terrified. So I look it up and it can be a sign of a different type of cancer than the 2 I had so I was like holy fuck - what the fuck do I do?? So I just decided to try to heal myself with my mind or some INSANE shit like that and then also just really checked in with myself and even though emotionally I am having a hard time and I am still recovering physically - I do not feel how I felt when I had cancer. I felt REALLY awful. I know it sounds crazy but it doesn't FEEL like I have cancer right now. SO then I didn't know what to do.....so I went to the beach 2 times. The second time we were at the beach I put my sunscreen on at the beach - which I don't normally do...so I could see better...and as I put the sunscreen on my chest I notice the discoloration looks similar to the tanned skin on my chest and then I realize my bathing suit has these small strips of fabric holding the 2 boob parts together and I realize the discoloration is actually - TAN MARKS. It's weird though because it's like little circles and not stripes so fuck I don't know - it took me all that time to figure it out! Also I really just see so much better outside in the sunlight and I really couldn't tell that it was the same color as the rest of my tan parts when I was inside. OH MY GOD. So this is the thing I am going to live with but it's okay - I can and I can take care of myself - it's just a challenge. Yeah. So I'm sure that didn't help all my stuff emotionally. Plus really 2 years ago right now - I knew I had cancer and I didn't know what the fuck was going on. I just knew I had cancer. Man this blog has saved my life. Being able to write on her has been such a gift to me. L8tr. HA.
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