On The Bed.....

I'm back home now and I am so fucking glad I went to therapy.  Do you know that I have been going to therapy for almost TWO DECADES??  Hahahaaaa.  And look at me now!  No - seriously - look at me now!  I'm better - I am way fucking better and I am going to continue to get better.  Nobody does this shit - and my therapist tells me that all the time.  Okay that's not true - some people do but a lot of times they have MONEY and you know what wait. Stop.  It doesn't matter whether you have money or not - some people do this work and are interested in it and some people are not.  Some people can't do it and here is the part I am trying to get to - I AM DOING IT.  I have just had it that's all.  I've had it with trying to get something from nothing and I am tired of working for free and not being taken care of.  But most of all - I MISS THE MUSIC.  I MISS MY HEART AND BODY OPENENG UP TO THE FUCKING MUUUUUSSIIIIIC.  I was one the train and I was SO LONELY - ugh so sad and I had nothing to do and these 2 people next to me were having this really strained and awkward conversation that was driving me FUCKING NUTS and I tried to read but their conversation was so distracting and the train was PACKED with people so I couldn't move & I didn't feel well so I couldn't stand up so I took out my headphones and put on some music and my heart OPENED UP.  Then I suddenly started to BREATHE and I felt one bazillion times better.  Holy fuck.  I just felt ALIVE and I was like WHY THE FUCK ARENT I LISTENING TO MUSIC??  I mean I do in the car but I mean - I could be listening at home - ALL THE TIME or at best - ON THE TRAIN so I don't have to hear people.  I don't know I downloaded some free iTunes thing so I can listen to anything and wow.  Just blew my mind.  So yeah - the music.  My therapist and the music.  I fucking cried before I left because she said she thinks about me and wonders how I'm doing.  You know I do a lot of listening.  A lot of feeling not seen (ironically).  I don't know except this woman has helped me to untangle a lot of crap and for fuck's sake - do you know what's happening right now?  I feel like I am justifying myself somehow?  I feel negative judgment but I don't know why.  Ah - I guess it doesn't matter.  I am doing this for me.  I am working through myself and my life.  I'm allowed to do it and it has been really fucking hard work.  I deserve to enjoy myself, protect myself and give myself a pat on the back.  I literally just patted myself on the back.  You know what happened after I left therapy?  I didn't feel sick anymore.  I am still super tired but I didn't feel like I had a cold.  Untangling that brain and making new pathways and choices.  But also - how about letting go of the anger.  Kindness & forgiveness right?  Yeah.  Alright maybe tomorrow?  HA.  Bye.