God this is by no means the hardest time I have ever had - it really isn't. It's a memory and an awareness and I will be okay. It's disturbing and very, very very fucking unpleasant but I will be okay. I am in a safe place in my life with a lot of help but GOD WHAT THE FUCK. I have a show tonight and I am not ready. My guy & I had a fight last night and this morning and it was ugly. I am on edge. I'm also so tired.
Okay.
Okaaaaay.
I told my sponsor and she said this is about freedom. She also said it's a missing piece of the puzzle but that talking about it and getting it out is freedom. I would like to be free - I really would. And do you know what I would really like? To enjoy my life. To enjoy myself and my art and my guy and our life together that we have both worked so fucking hard for. But well ugh I guess first this. Well wait or also this. I can move forward without completely falling apart. I'm just tired right now. Of course I am - these things are exhausting. I can have many things going on inside of me at the same time. I can have layers. I can be grateful, grossed out, excited, confused, hungry and tired all at the same time. and that's okay. I can take a shower, plan my set and go forward in love. And I can be upset too. I want to feel better - RIGHT AWAY - and that is not going to happen. I also DO NOT NEED TO TALK ABOUT THIS with the first person I see - for example a stranger. I reaaaaally do not. It's so tempting! I just want to be relieved! But also and here's what's really important......
I don't need to wallow in this. I mean I can - I can! If I want to but I don't want to. I do want to enjoy this day as much as possible and take care of myself. I have work to do. So once again it's about breathing. Breaaaaathing. One moment at a time. Nice and slow. Yeah. Okay let's get to it.
Love you Bluebie!
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