Monday, December 23, 2019

Blueberries for Breakfast and A huge Ego for Lunch

There it is.  The whole dumb thing that I have never been able to figure out...the fucking ego.  When I was drinking it  thought it had control or I don't know what over the drugs and booze and it did not.  Then it was men.  I just was like "I don't care if this fucker isn't interested - he will be - he's gonna change."  That clearly never worked.  Now I realized I do it with friends but then and this is the real kick in the cunt...I have done it with sponsees.  Thinking "Oh they will change....oh if I sit here and listen even though its flipping me out and I am so uncomfortable and it is hurting my body - they will change if I help them."  That my dear friends is a fucking ego.  And I had no fucking clue.  I can't help anyone - ever.  WHO FUCKING KNEW??  I have probably even written it before but it has never been as clear to me as it is now.

I have an alcoholic ego.

I have an alanonic ego.

And they want to kill me.

That sucks!

I have no idea why but it's true and I can so feel it in my body now.  I can never help anyone or change them and I can definitely NOT HELP THEM by hurting myself.  No clue - I had no clue.  It's just like when I realized if men want to be with you - they show up.  That's it!  I just so clearly see that if someone wants to change they have to do it, they have to do the work.  THAT'S IT.  And either they want to do what I do or they don't.  And let's face it - most people will not want to do what I do because I do a lot and it's so fucking uncomfortable working through those layers of shit.  Painful.  Hurts.  Meanwhile the disease is saying "You don't have to do all this shit - why don't you go to the mall and get yourself and sweater?  5 sweaters?  And some pants and a watch?"  Then as far as helping people my dumb ego is saying "JUST PUSH THROUGH FORCE FORCE FORCE YOUR SOLUTION!!  THEN THEY WILL FEEL BETTER AND then you will feel better."  Ew.

This morning when I was meditating that thought came to me - how I just want other people to feel better so I can finally exhale and feel good.  Then I realized that meditation is the answer.  Something shifted in me and I felt the power heal or I don't know what - I felt centered and better.  It was brief but I realized that that's the only control I have is over my own damn self.  My own damn feelings.  My own energy, my own inner source.  And meditation is where I work on that.  Get that.  Fuck.  Who knew?  I really didn't know.  I didn't know there was an alanonic ego too.  I never understood what that feeling was when I wanted to get in their with somebody and "tell them how it goes."  EWWWW.  I am so annoyed I was like that.  But also I didn't know and I don't care because this last sponsee was also ASKING for the help so I thought that's what I was supposed to do.

But this has to go - this toxic stuff with other people.  The anger that comes from trying to help and them telling me to go fuck myself.  Or whatever.  The anger.  IT's not good for my body and it's come back in the last 6 months and it feeds cancer - I know it does and I can't afford it.  I can't go through treatment again and I can't go through more surgery.  Not like that anyway I just can't.  So this woman really was my teacher.  Thank you.  I GUESS.  Haha just kidding.  Love you Bluebie bye.

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