Restart in 14 Minutes

That's what this computer just said so I have to make it quick.  Today is a new glorious day and I have been making the most of it and dare I say enjoying it.  I still feel mind-fucked by that sponsee (ex-sponsee thank GOD) but also that's my issue.  I believe people when they lie to themselves but more than that I get in there and tangle with their disease.  It's my alanon stuff.  I just see a sign on the road that says a relationship isn't working and I think "I NEED ANOTHER 10-12 SIGNS BECAUSE I AM NOT SURE WHAT THIS SIGN IS TELLING ME."  HA!  Okay keep coming back.  I am going to keep coming back.  I kept saying my whole way into the city last night "Bless her change me bless her change me."  Because that's really the problem - me.  I have to get in the shower and get ready for my show tonight.  I also need to eat dinner.  Okay I don't know - it's just a new day and I worked really hard to get out of my head last night so I would do the best I could onstage and I did.  I did a great job.  This morning we had a nice jog together the guy & I and I ran errands and was able to get my friend a nice book for her birthday.  And one day a friend will ask me to sponsor her and I will really think with my heart if I can help the person and if they really want help.  Because the reality is I can't help anyone - we do it ourselves.  We march to meetings, we work on ourselves and we do the work - the steps.  We march right through that shit and then we slowly so so slowly start to change.  And for me I have to just let go of the notion I can help anyone.  Because I can not.  That's not what a sponsor does.  We listen, share our experience and what we did and then THAT'S IT.  But for some people - we can't listen that much.  Because I really listened to this person and she just talked and talked and never wanted to do the work.  GOD - I want to say I was a fool for trying to help but I was doing what I thought I was supposed to do.  And it has been my experience in every fucking way with every fucking thing I do that until I am in it  - doing it - I don't learn how to do it well and what NOT to do.  So she was my teacher.  THANKS.  Haha I am just kidding.  She was and I do love her although I still feel awful.  It's so mean when someone blame you for their behavior.  It's like a child saying you are why they fell down.  I don't even fully know if that's what happened.  I am just glad it's a new day and I got to enjoy the sunshine and fresh air.  Yes.  I just sighed a happy sigh of relief.  Off to alanon soon so I can figure out how to be kind AND be of service and leave relationships that aren't working much, much sooner.  Or whatever I am supposed to learn.  Love you Bluebie bye.