It takes me 5 hours to get ready

and that's before I take a shower!  WHAT THE FUCK.  That's how much self-care I am doing and GOD I need it - seriously but what the fuuuuuck.  How is that manageable??  By the time I'm ready I'm exhausted!  Ha.  Seriously though what the fuck.  It will get easier and take less time.  I'm proud of myself for taking great care of myself.  It's cloudy today so it was hard to get going taking care of myself but I did it.  Prayed, meditated, did the celery juice, yoga, walked, bands, healthy breakfast and I cried.  I have to get a cry in or my day hasn't really started yet.  I'm having so many new awarenesses and most of them are alanon related.  I just realized suddenly I can't help anyone whether they did or didn't ask for the help.  I can't help anyone AND I want people to change.  I want people to be different but, I need to be different.  I'm the one that needs to decide whether or not something is working for me.  I spent most of my life waiting for men to change until I realized I was the one who decided......and I was the one who needed to change......and now I have spent another decade waiting for women to change until I realized after a LOT of pain - that I am the one who needs to change.  Fucking siiiiiiigh.  Who the fuck knew?  Melody Beattie knew.  HA.  Because she writes all those books about codependency.  We struggle and struggle and struggle and then one little thing happens and we are like "Oh - oh I am supposed to take a left not a right and then I get there in 5 minutes instead of 3 days?  Okay - got it."  Now I am left with PRACTICING THIS and CONTINUING to take care of myself by saying what does and doesn't work for me.  Insulation.  Insulating myself.  Staying in myself.  IM THE CAPTAIN OF MY OWN DAMN SHIP MOTHERFUCKERS. Such a strange concept that we need each other but also we are separate.  This onion will continue to peel until it becomes another onion.  I am cracking myself UP today.  I have to go get a mammogram this week.  Terrified.  But also I am okay on some level.  I think I'm more worried about the pain of it.  I'm going to practice trusting.  Let go and let God.  Stay in my body and take care of it.  Love it.  Love myself.  Honor my life.  Trust that everything I am learning and doing to take care of myself is doing just that.  And I will also think about one day not going to these tests.  Yeah.  Yeah.  Okay love you Bluebie bye.