Well - back to the long, slow recovery.

I celebrated last night with the big new group I joined and then I went to eat with them and then I felt so let down afterwards. I walked home alone and then I got on the subway which wasn't working and had to take a cab home. I am lonely. I suppose I should try some sort of dating thing but then again what I really need is to be creative. I tried taking some pictures on the way home but that didn't work out very well. I have - well - today and right now in fact I can figure out how to use the camera better. I love the way things look at night but I don't know what setting to use so that things actually look the way I am seeing them. Tomorrow and Friday I will celebrate again so that will be nice. I have the day off today and I'm going to work on my vision board more, my blogs for my character and go for a swim. I need a meeting. I wish it wasn't so far away. I also need to clean and wash the dogs ears. I am doing some laundry right now. Part of what happened last night was - well - it really made me want to perform. It was so many people - hundreds - and I made them laugh a little bit and that was SO amazing. I really wanted more. One good thing I did last night because I felt so crazy was walk. I walked and got some exercise and it made me feel much better. I walked by Lincoln Center and looked at the beautiful pictures and the steps that light up with all the different ways to say hello in different languages. I really love Lincoln Center - it made my heart open. I had a good day really yesterday but for some reason I felt so alcoholic after I left that huge celebration. Tons of other people were celebrating and that is amazing. My friend prayed with me first and it was so sweet and sooooo loving. OMG - so sweet. This is such a weird fucking disease. It really is about the space inside me. I don't know - I'm going to take care of myself today and the dog and feed the love inside of me as best I can. I think what I am learning from this huge new group is how to love. I don't want to love - I want to be loved. Worshipped!! Not too closely though. So there you go. Okay - bye Bluebie. I love youbie.