Ego. Eggo. I love/hate both.

For the longest time (and for all I fucking know maybe still) Tall Not So Dark and Creepy ate Eggos non-stop. that man was forever toasting and eating mother fucking Eggos. He is one of those chews really ludly - with his mouth open AND talks while he eats people. So hearing, watching and being around him while crunching and talking through Eggos was quite an experience. I used to get drunk and if I had no food I would eat those. He would buy an industry size box of them at a time. Jesus - what is wrong with me? I am STILL not pooping and I really am about to lose my mind. I forgot to set the alarm last night or I shut of the alarm and fell back asleep - either way I woke up when I was supposed to be leaving for work. My hair looks exactly like what it is - hair I slept on - roughly and put up trying look "casual messy." I'm so grumpy. After reading up about ego and then about the Brain Protocol thing that the doctor whats to do with me once I can get to a level of physical health that is - stable enough - I realized a few things. One - that I have been carrying generations of trauma. I know that sounds like drama but it's true. The alcoholism is definitely generational. Ugh - okay - so anyway it's time to stop the cycle but I feel like I'm not yet. I don't drink anymore but I have yet to be dealing with the feelings and all the other things that I was dealing with a LONg time ago. College era - high school era. My whole life. I don't sleep well, I'm nervous and anxious and I don't think I can take care of myself - really and I feel stuck and trapped. Look at this moment right now I know that Tall Not So Dark and Creepy wants me to be "happy" at his house. He doesn't think he is doing anything wrong by invading my boundaries. More to the point I LIVe there. I keep living there and I haven't just changed the lock on my room or - well that's impossible anyway. It's like I just want to be upset. Why would this be what my ego wants? How is this protecting my ego?? What the fuck? I am so tired, upset and confused. I lock my door when I leave and all the time he just unlocks it and does something in the there. The day before yesterday he shut the windows. He just wants control. Or I don't know - he just does whatever he wants. Why do I keep writing this and why do I not leave? I'm afraid. I don't have the money. Why do I care that he goes in there? It is exactly like growing up - no fucking privacy, no doors, no sense of safety or self. My art is blocked. I need to grow up and I need to get out of there. It won't solve all things but it will for sure shift things. I can find a great place to live - I really can. I have to believe in myself. I am just so confused as to why I care so much - I know why - it's the repetition compulsion. I want it to be different this time. I want this time for him not to go in my room, for him to respect my boundaries and my privacy, and to I guess just trust me that he doesn't need to go in there and - I have no idea. It will never be different though. He isn't capable of it - he just isn't. It will never be different and I can't stand it. I am going to go now.