Hi Blog.

I am at the store - I already cried twice today. I thought I felt better about the cat and then last night and this morning were so hard. It's so sad to think he won't be there on the farm (well - alive) when I go visit. I am trying very hard to just let it through me - the grief. It hurts and I don't want it to. I wish he lived just a few more years. What is the most crazy is that I don't want it to be this way and there is no other way for it to be. It's so painful. Barf. Total barfness. I told my acting teacher - she said his mother died just this year. That would mean his mother lived to be 22 years old? Holy shit. He has a sister who is still going strong she said. I just put on make-up so I am trying not to cry. So why the fuck am I writing this? I saw this movie last night (I can't write about the cat anymore right now) and it was an action movie but it was really all about the ego. What blew my mind the most was at the end during the credits they had these different doctors talk about how powerful the ego is and how it will make you do all sorts of insane things. Lie, cheat, steal - murder - anything to keep itself safe. They also went on to say that then that means the only real enemy you ever have is YOU. Your ego, your reaction to how things affect your ego, and blah, blah. I was so fucking blown away. The ego will actually make you think it's YOU in order to protect itself. How crazy is that??? So the worst thing to fear ultimately is yourself. FUCK!! Huh. Which is so strange where alcohol and drugs are concerned. Hold on - I'm going to look it up. Okay - so the ego is the go between of the Id and the Super Ego. When you have an unhealthy ego it lets the pleasure seeking Id reign too much power over your decisions. I might be saying all this incorrectly but it feels right. I heard a man share at a meeting this week about a study they did where they believe part of what happens with alcoholics has to do with the pleasure receptors in the brain. Again - I have to look this up. No I'm not. Let's just say that it is probably a combination of spiritual malady, allergies, sensitivities to substances, the ego, a blip in your development - all sorts of things. It takes more than flour to make a muffin right? I want a muffin. Toasted with butter. FUCK!!! I should go. Maybe I will get a blueberry muffin and celebrate you my bloggidy blog. Is that my ego talking? I shouldn't eat a muffin. It's all about diet the snake doctor says. Meaning what you eat diet. BYE!