I am shaking I am so tired.

I guess I can't keep going this schedule. I'm amess. A man just came in here and bought something and I almost freaked out. It is so fucking scary being a woman sometimes. He asked me what was upstairs and I was like "Why??" Jeez - what a psycho I am. I was just thinking - ohhhh so you have a place to kill me???? I have never done well on not a lot of sleep and for some reason this weekend is really kicking my ass. I have raging PMS. That can't be helping. I watched 2 episodes of Dexter when I got home last night and I also shouldn't have done that. I had to force myself not to watch the third one that was left on the DVD. It was so crazy on the episode I watched because he has this new girlfriend who helps him murder people - bad people of course. They finally have sex at the end of the episode and I was like - oh - holy shit - she knows who he is (I know that this is a TV show and completely fake and weird) and she loves him and loves who he is even though he is a serial killer. I was like oh my fucking GOD to have sex with someone who REALLY sees you - who loves you and sees and KNOWS who you are - AMAZING. How sad is that? Or great? I don't know. I do know. As soon as I like someone I completely STOP being who I am and try and figure out who it is they might REALLY love and try to be that person. You know or try to be the "funny" me all the time only, or not fart or burp and be HUMAN or multi-layered EVER around them. How exhausting and gross is that? So this changes everything. Now I just have to wait till I feel completely comfortable around someone and feel so okay being myself around them and KNOW that they SEE me. Great - well - do you get that more than one time in a lifetime? Could I really find that twice somehow? I suppose I had moments with other boyfriends - but not like my first love. Ugh - I don't even remember. I just ate and I feel much better although I got a LOT of cranberry sauce on my lap. That poor guy - he is probably such a nice guy and I was like - HEY!!! I SEE YOUUUU MISTER!! I was one hour late today. I mean the other girl opens at 11 during the week so I lied to myself and said if I had to be here at 11 I would be on time. When I got here yesterday I was SO upset and stressed out that as I was opening the gate I was totally talking to myself about what a horrible fucking day it was already and how upset I was and the girl who works in the shop next door was in her window fixing clothes and she must have been like "What a PSYCHO." Maybe she didn't see me (yeah right). This is part of my repetition compulsion also. I really want to be able to get 4-5 hours of sleep and be totally okay. I also want to eat cheese, bread, pepperoni, sausage and blue cheese ALL the time and not feel gross. I'm so sad, anxious and vulnerable right now. Hahaa - oh my fucking WORD - really? I can sleep tomorrow. I'm clean - I took a shower and walked the dog. She looked so sad to have me leaving. That hurts too. Leaving her at that crazy house. Well - it's okay - she's happy when I come home. I should stop writing now. I have some looking out the window wistfully to do. Bye Bluebie - I love you.