Good morning.

It's amazing that it's still morning. there was a time not too long ago that I would be drunk and sleeping still. Or even worse - awake, hiding in my room and drinking left over warm beer. Oh lord - so sad. I just have to be so grateful right now that I am awake, showered, fed and I have on clean clothes AND I am working. Jesus. Oh my GOD - unbelievable. Okay - so today is a new day and I worked on myself, worked at my other job and felt better by the time I got home last night. I have to figure out some kind of budget for myself where I can only spend a certain amount every day. I already know I have enough to pay my bills with the 2 jobs and I've paid back bills and I have been able to save a tiny bit - but then I spent that on my rent. Now I need to figure out more CLEARLY how to save. Really save. Don't spend it save. Okay - so after I am done writing on here I will do that. I just need money for food, some clothes and travel. Ugh - I don't want to do this. I guess that means I should. The thing is that the up and downs of money contributes to my mood swings. I get paid or I make money at the comedy club and I'm all "Everything is okay - I have money - woo-hoo!!" Then a week or 2 days later and I'm like "I'm poor - why didn't my parents take better care of me??" What - that is so fucking RIDICULOUS!! I get so upset when I am left without the money I need and it isn't necessary. I just like having money - being able to buy whatever I want and not really think about it. But I do NOT like having to count change out of my piggy bank to take a car to work. I do the same thing with my time. I have very little time and then I decide to write on my blog before work. It's not really - honest somehow. I mean - I'm lying to myself. I'm not rich - haha - I'm not even MIDDLE FUCKING CLASS!! I am poor!! Ha - okay - I'm not as poor as I WAS but COME ON!! I want to look pretty and feel good and guess what? I can do that with less money - it's the truth - I know it and you know it. Well - okay - it's the same thing I keep thinking about being creative. No one is stopping me. I don't need more money to be creative. I need to just DO it. More untangling - this is all more untangling - fucking a. My life is abundant!! I don't have to be RICH to have an abundant life. Lord. This is another layer of the onion also. There is this deprivation THOUGHT process that happens in my brain all the time. I'm not making sense - or maybe I am - I don't know. I don't like it that's all. I don't like that I am forced to be creative financially. Okay - I have to stop writing - I'm getting crazy in my head. The reality is that if I had a TON of money I would be just as not okay as I am right now. This is about me and my soul and my inability to deal with reality and my disease. Ha - what? Is that true? Okay - I'm going to figure out a budget and be nice to myself or at least try. Bye Bluebie - love you.