Monday, January 16, 2017
Depression - The Other White Meat
Christ I am blue. I just feel so fucking sad. I can think of a ton of reasons why but the only one that really makes sense is that I am actually depressed. Like a chemical thing. It's okay. I'm dressed, I'm clean, I'm going to do a seminar, I'm fed and I have had plenty of coffee, green tea and vitamins. PLENTY. I can't help but think some of this is from drinking way too much coffee so I have burnt out my serotonin or something somehow. I don't know - Winter stinks that's all. Over the weekend people told me that tutors get paid a ton of money per hour - which I had no idea and so now I feel like these French fuckers are taking advantage of me. This is the thing though - um - Im not a tutor - hello. I am helping them yes but not with math! Not at all - can't do it. I'm basically a babysitter. I don't know - I think I'm going to take some classes and figure out how to become a tutor next. Till then I can get some experience here. I am fucking exhausted. Jesus. I literally barely did anything today and I took a nap and I'm so tired. See? I'm depressed. It's okay. I'm just going to keep saying that - it's okay. It feels necessary and I'm not sure why. I miss my mother. I feel like I should leave her alone because she is grieving and she has my other sister there. Ah - it's so sad to me. Ugh - I am just a ball of uncomfortable feelings. The worst - it's sickening. Do you know what makes me feel better? Friends. I just watch Friends. All the time. Every night. Sometimes during the day. It's the only thing besides cooking that makes me feel better. I mean getting on stage does but good Lord - that just doesn't happen enough. At all. I need to hustle and get some shows. Trying to hustle when I am depressed is like trying to scream in a dream - it doesn't happen. Okay - well this has been lovely no? Wish me luck and a broken leg on this seminar - love you Bluebie bye.