Monday, January 16, 2017

Depression - The Other White Meat

Christ I am blue.  I just feel so fucking sad.  I can think of a ton of reasons why but the only one that really makes sense is that I am actually depressed.  Like a chemical thing.  It's okay.  I'm dressed, I'm clean, I'm going to do a seminar, I'm fed and I have had plenty of coffee, green tea and vitamins.  PLENTY.  I can't help but think some of this is from drinking way too much coffee so I have burnt out my serotonin or something somehow.  I don't know - Winter stinks that's all.  Over the weekend people told me that tutors get paid a ton of money per hour - which I had no idea and so now I feel like these French fuckers are taking advantage of me.  This is the thing though - um - Im not a tutor - hello.  I am helping them yes but not with math!  Not at all - can't do it.  I'm basically a babysitter.  I don't know - I think I'm going to take some classes and figure out how to become a tutor next.  Till then I can get some experience here.  I am fucking exhausted.  Jesus.  I literally barely did anything today and I took a nap and I'm so tired.  See?  I'm depressed.  It's okay.  I'm just going to keep saying that - it's okay.  It feels necessary and I'm not sure why.  I miss my mother.  I feel like I should leave her alone because she is grieving and she has my other sister there.  Ah - it's so sad to me.  Ugh - I am just a ball of uncomfortable feelings.  The worst - it's sickening.  Do you know what makes me feel better?  Friends.  I just watch Friends.  All the time.  Every night.  Sometimes during the day.  It's the only thing besides cooking that makes me feel better.  I mean getting on stage does but good Lord - that just doesn't happen enough.  At all.  I need to hustle and get some shows.  Trying to hustle when I am depressed is like trying to scream in a dream - it doesn't happen.  Okay - well this has been lovely no?  Wish me luck and a broken leg on this seminar - love you Bluebie bye.

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