Friday, January 6, 2017

Well Here I Am - I Brought Me With Me

So now I am spending all this time at home which I thought I would love but now I'm finding it depressing.  I guess because I am so stresses about getting the kids and doing the job right that I am just sitting here in anticipation.  The first day did not go well.  It was raining and I parked in the wrong spot at the school, which was a MAD HOUSE of cars and angry mothers - no one would help me and I was TERRIFIED because I couldn't remember what the kids looked like and I knew they didn't know my car.  I finally got them after a mother literally screamed at me from her car.  Of course I thought she was going to be nice so when she started to roll down her window I smiled and waved.  Man - let me tell you what - there is nothing more horrifying than a mother with horrible plastic surgery screaming at you "THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!  YOU CAUSED THAT WHOLE MESS BACK THERE!!"  Which I didn't - there was another car in front of me and like 10 to the other side of me.  Anyway then I - you know what I'm not even going to get into it.  The point is once again I am doing what I want to do and I am miserable.  I guess it's safe to say I am deeply unhappy about something else.  How can I have done all this work on myself for all these years and I'm STILL so uncomfortable and miserable?  I know I am not being patient and letting myself see if this can work out but it's SO FUCKING BORING and it's so consuming of my energy.  I don't see how I can do this and do shows and go on auditions?  And the whole time I can't figure out if these kids like me and if I am even doing a good job.  I'm so worried about them and yet is this even working for me?  They are sweet - the parents seem very nice.  Is it a good fit?  I have no idea.  I'm so confused.  I wouldn't say this is fulfilling me in anyway but I guess it's not supposed to.  WHAT IS WWORNG WITH ME?  Why am I so engulfed in my own feelings all the time?  CHRIST.  And still - I have no fucking energy.  I'm so fucking tired all the time.  I put myself to sleep.  I pray & meditate.  I write in my journal.  I have been exercising.  Maybe I need to dance and listen to music.  That would help.  Right?  OH BOY.  What is good?  What is positive?  I went grocery shopping last night after an alanon meeting and that was great.  I had fun grocery shopping.  Oh my GOD - HOLY Fuck - it's like I am a 85 year old retired woman.  Good God.  I have never even had a career and now I'm retired.  I need LIFE.  I need A LIFE.  I need passion and inspiration.  I NEED TO LAY DOWN.  Love you Bluebie bye.

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