Friday, January 6, 2017
Well Here I Am - I Brought Me With Me
So now I am spending all this time at home which I thought I would love but now I'm finding it depressing. I guess because I am so stresses about getting the kids and doing the job right that I am just sitting here in anticipation. The first day did not go well. It was raining and I parked in the wrong spot at the school, which was a MAD HOUSE of cars and angry mothers - no one would help me and I was TERRIFIED because I couldn't remember what the kids looked like and I knew they didn't know my car. I finally got them after a mother literally screamed at me from her car. Of course I thought she was going to be nice so when she started to roll down her window I smiled and waved. Man - let me tell you what - there is nothing more horrifying than a mother with horrible plastic surgery screaming at you "THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! YOU CAUSED THAT WHOLE MESS BACK THERE!!" Which I didn't - there was another car in front of me and like 10 to the other side of me. Anyway then I - you know what I'm not even going to get into it. The point is once again I am doing what I want to do and I am miserable. I guess it's safe to say I am deeply unhappy about something else. How can I have done all this work on myself for all these years and I'm STILL so uncomfortable and miserable? I know I am not being patient and letting myself see if this can work out but it's SO FUCKING BORING and it's so consuming of my energy. I don't see how I can do this and do shows and go on auditions? And the whole time I can't figure out if these kids like me and if I am even doing a good job. I'm so worried about them and yet is this even working for me? They are sweet - the parents seem very nice. Is it a good fit? I have no idea. I'm so confused. I wouldn't say this is fulfilling me in anyway but I guess it's not supposed to. WHAT IS WWORNG WITH ME? Why am I so engulfed in my own feelings all the time? CHRIST. And still - I have no fucking energy. I'm so fucking tired all the time. I put myself to sleep. I pray & meditate. I write in my journal. I have been exercising. Maybe I need to dance and listen to music. That would help. Right? OH BOY. What is good? What is positive? I went grocery shopping last night after an alanon meeting and that was great. I had fun grocery shopping. Oh my GOD - HOLY Fuck - it's like I am a 85 year old retired woman. Good God. I have never even had a career and now I'm retired. I need LIFE. I need A LIFE. I need passion and inspiration. I NEED TO LAY DOWN. Love you Bluebie bye.