Stayed For My Thinking.

I came for my drinking and stayed for my thinking.  That's a slogan in the program.  And I certainly have stayed for my thinking.  These last few weeks have certainly showed me that.  Last night the guy and I got into an argument.  I believe it was meant to be  a healthy discussion but that's now how it ended.  Then it went over into today and culminated in me smacking the shit out of myself.  Then he suggested I call my therapist which I did.  She asked me to stop doing that to myself and we spoke and she suggested I just spend some time alone - which I did - for the entire rest of the day and I finally started to feel a tiny bit better a little while ago.  I did some step work and I just was able to see - something.  Who knows what - I'm too fucking tired now to delve too deeply into anything or even remember what all the details are.  I just know I'm an alcoholic with negative thinking and depressive behavior.  Maybe I do remember.  Anyway - I'm better than I was years ago but for some fucking reason I am dipping back into the depression and the sadness.  I'm sure it's my father - how can it not be??  Am I supposed to be OVER it?  It's been 7 months so who cares??  No.  I don't know.  I felt like I had so much to say and that it was important to say and now I just want to watch Friends.  What the fuck am I going to do when the last episode plays?  My GOD - anything!  I could start watching Law and Order from the beginning again - that was amazing.  Watching a show before and after plastic surgery that has a lot of older actors on it is fascinating - holy shit.  Anyway I guess I still have a lot of negative thinking and maybe one day those grooves in my brain will move over and start a new path.  How do people do it?  How do I keep going?  I can't keep slapping myself but it's better than slapping someone else right?  Maybe no one should get slapped.  Maybe I need to meditate more - even though I meditate a lot.  It's okay - it's just a dip.  Bye.