Friday, May 20, 2011

Rigorous honesty.

I went to my meeting and I was late for my greeter position because of 2 reasons. The first was the train wasn't right on time and the second was I made very little effort to be on time - for real on time - not just perfect timing by mass transportation time. I thought to myself at one point - I'm exhausted and I don't need to be on time for this service - someone should understand how hard it is for me to get there - I don't live near there and I have to spend money on the subway to get there - waaa. Seriously? What the fuck is that? Yesterday I was so tired that I also was just not focused and felt like I DESERVED to be not focused. What the hell is that? And I only hurt myself and well - her at the boutique because she had to clean up my mess. I have resentments about doing things that are good for me and that are just not super easy. And I expect other people to not only understnad but pick up the slack for me. This is one reason I'm not in a relationship. I was like that with boyfriends only WORSE. Can you imagine? Christ - I really have to grow up. I'm not trying to beat up on myself - I'm looking at the facts. I had a bad attitude yesterday and a bad attitude today and it fucked me up. Perhaps at another time it wouldn't be like that if I truley did my best and was really on my game. Anyway - the meeting I went to was wonderful and I signed up for more service for next term. I also did the right thing yesterday when I called her and told her I fucked up - twice. Okay - let's keep being honesst. I'm soaking my feet and I'm going to dry skin brush and take a long hot shower before another meeting and walking to work. I'm going to meditate right now. Okay - bye.

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