Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Oh dear.

So yesterday I took care of myself. Work was the most boring thing ever but I did it and ate healthy while I was there. I got a message from Larni and he wants to go to the farm and bring some people and film some things - well 2 videos to be exact. It sounds so exhausting and it made me so annoyed and sick when I heard it. I just - well - I guess al my resentments built up and so now I just - I don't even want to do these videos anymore which is ridiculous. That is not the way to deal with this. However I do not feel comfortable doing this farm trip right now at all. It als upset me that he was like oh I have no job so we can work around your schedule. Three of us who are going have no jobs so we can work around you. It sounds so awful and exhausting and so not gratifying creatively. I'm just a puppet in his creations and that being said I let that happen. So now I have to get my balls in check and take care of this. He asked me to film something on Saturday the 11th and I have to work and I was so relieved. I had a dream last night that was so crazy. First let me say that I slept SO amazingly. I went to sleep at 12:30 and I woke up at 11:15. How amazing is that? 10 and a half hours sleep!! Right on!! I walked from work to my meeting yesterday and then I had to walk a way to get to the train afterwards so I got some exercise. If I had on better shoes I could have walked farther. I bought these shoes with Larni last year so of course I was blaming him for the bad shoes. Really Secret Blue? Come on. This is where it is time for me to grow up. For real. This is part of my problem and has been - especially with art for a long, LONG time. This was my dream - we were doing this big show and I was filming and it was crazy with all sorts of people. Then we all go out and Larni is paying all this people but not me. Then I got mad and left and I go to watch something he filmed without me and this guy who I had so much drama with was in this video an he was terrible. So because I didn't stick up for myself or even leave from a place of power I felt like I was missing out on something AND I also - what? There has to be a better way of dealing with this than the way I used to. Plus I just really don't have the time right now and I can't be so exhausted. For whatever reason I still need alot of rest. I need to walk the dog and then I'm going to pray and meditate about this and hopefully the right thing to do will come up through me. I really do have to take ownership of the fact that I wanted him to do for me what I can't do for myself - or what I think I can't do for myself which is get famous. Or even be a working artist. Seriously. In a big way I want him to do for me what I can't do for myself and I am mad he isn't doing it right or "treating me right." Okay - there is some of that int here but that isn't the bigger point. Bye BLuebs - love you.

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