Thursday, May 26, 2011

I didn't drink or do drugs.

I went to the store and got some things last night and it occurred to me that I could get Benedryl. But I didn't. I went to bed early and I made a gratitude list in bed and wrote in my journal a little bit. I woke up around 5:00 and never went back to sleep but I meditated a little and rested more. I realized 2 things. The first is that I have had up until maybe this moment right now so many regrets in my life because I feel like my behavior caused certain awful things to happen. But maybe those things were never meant to be anyway. No matter my behavior I probably still would be where I am. It's a theory. The other thing I realized is that I have had for as long as I can remember (or at least the first or third grade - second grade is a little fuzzy) I have had this unrest inside me. Well now I realized when I am nice to myself and take care of myself it is much, much better. I mean I think the time has come now for me to heal from that painful place in me. How gay is this? Very, but gay is beautiful. I think the integration meditation is beginning to work. Maybe all the work I am doing is helping. Slowly. I am so glad that this urge to use has lifted slightly. I am amazed at what staying home has done for me also. I could have used more exercise yesterday but it was amazing to stay home and take care of myself. My nails and my toes look awful though. Ha - it looks like my niece did them. Hilarious. Well now it's time for me to meditate and get to getting ready for this long day. It's going to be a gorgeous day - summer is finally here. Reading upon awakening is helping me. Good Day Blueb - I love you.

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