Monday, May 2, 2011

I wish I could stop feeling so sick to my stomach.

There is a pit in my stomach and it doesn't seem to be going away. Being back in the city seems difficult and I feel sort of catatonic. I watched the final episode of Six Feet Under and maybe I shouldn't have or maybe it was perfect timing but either way - I did. I got to a meeting last night and went and got groceries. I did my laundry and I walked the dog. I feel sick!! I ate healthy food and took my vitamins. I planted the plants I brought from my parents house and I - I don't know.....got to bed at a decent hour and read a little bit before I slept. I have always loved to read before I sleep. I have a job interview tomorrow and I am so nervous.....it's for a boutique and I reaaally would love to work there and I would reaaaally love to work a job where people don't throw up on me. I'm just lonely and I really miss being hugged and loved in a romantic way. I guess a huge part of me is feeling sorry for myself and I suppose all my unhealthy thoughts - depressing, sad ones about life in general are happening. I just feel sort of - what's the point? She had a great life and had a great time. She got to travel, have kids and grand-kids....I just somehow - and this is despite how absolutely loving and kind mt family was - I just somehow feel unloved. I have to say it would have been nice if my friend had at least left me a voice mail or even called my parents house and left a message. I just really - jeez....she isn't really focused on me ever....she has little kids but this is how I always feel with her....it's okay. I have to meditate - I really do. I am discombobulated from a week of being at home without any clothes or any of my stuff. It was a beautiful week......I am just sad and uncomfortable....it will be okay again right? There are Japanese girls staying here right now and they are soooo fucking loud - holy cow. I also feel so bad for my father - he's being so nice.....he even went to the beach with us and he never does that. I just feel a little depleted that's all. How are people so strong? My sisters were so strong....bye Blueberry - let's hope for a happy day...

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