Not a cookbook name. I am going to tell you about last night. First of all I will tell you right now it feels like I have a very full plate and maybe I do - in fact - I do. I have a lot going on and it's wonderful but feels overwhelming. I'm still recovering from chemo and I am tired. Okay well - okay. Today I went to therapy and talked to her about money and my lack of it and what I am doing to make more of it and do you know what she said? She said it helps to talk about it - it relieves the pressure, stress and anxiety of it. It makes it seem much less like it is something that isn't possible. I did feel better afterwards but GOD - it's all so uncomfortable. Also okay. I have learned to be so much more comfortable being uncomfortable in the right way. I used to sit for hours and hours with people who I couldn't STAND because I wanted their drugs. That was uncomfortable in the wrong way. Now I do things like take the train, then the subway, then walk 15 minutes so I can go to therapy and talk about how difficult it is to be the age I am and have zero dollars. And what I plan on doing about it. Even though - I don't want to talk about it. I also don't want to do anything about it - I want to lay down and REST. For 5 months in some glorious vacation spot. I don't even know if that's true. It's partially true. I would like to rest more but also - I rest. I take so much better care of myself than I used to. I cook super healthy, delicious food.....I take healthy snacks with me.....water...vitamins....supplements.....green drinks.....prayer...meditation....showers! I take so many showers! Body brush. Yeah okay......I sleep and don't go do shows in the middle of the night when I have to be up the next day.....soooooo - about last night....
My guy and I went to go speak at a rehab. We brought a meeting there actually. The rehab is located in the hospital where I was diagnosed with cancer. Ugh. So we go to this rehab right? And I start to talk about my story...expecting people to laugh...only no one is laughing. And every time I looked up to look at someone they shifted their eyes away. Everyone was in pajamas and had these gigantic sippy cups that were plastic. There were old people, super young people and everyone was - not okay. People shared and they were scared and confused and RAW. It really really really was eye opening to me and it really made me remember I'm an alcoholic and I could be them again at any point. So yeah - just as I write this I am like - okay I am overwhelmed - okay - fine and a lot of shit has gone done...cancer....treatment....but holy shit - being newly sober was so hard. I honestly think it was harder than cancer because I was so angry and I felt so alone and outside of myself. I could never figure out what the fuck was going on and I was so FAR away from any art. It was heart breaking. But more than heart breaking it was the ANGER. It was - awful. I don't know how else to say it. I had no tools and the anger kept poisoning me. I don't even know how I stayed sober but I am so grateful I did.
So I want to keep it green. I am an alcoholic and my primary purpose is to stay sober and help another alcoholic to achieve sobriety. So. So I might have a full plate but I am keeping it a green plate. I have nothing if I am not sober. I 100% do not care if that sounds lame it's true.
So I am going to continue to go to rehabs. There you go. Keeping my plate - green.
Byeeeee.
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