Friday, December 20, 2013
I'm so frustrated but let me begin with the ending which is I'm home, I talked to my friend from class and I'm eating my mediocre stew. I didn't go to McDonald's and when I was really sad on the train I thought to myself "It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about me or feels about me - it's what I think and feel about myself and what God feels about me." So I know that sounds lame but it made my heart feel so much better. I remember reading a friend's blog from years ago where she talked about soothing herself. How she knew how to get home and make herself a baked potato and what to do to make herself feel better - in a healthy way. It really stayed with me and I know for me at least a huge part of being healthy emotionally has been to learn to self-soothe. This stew has gotten better actually. I took care of myself today - got a haircut, got a manicure & a pedicure, mailed the kids presents, went to therapy, went to class. Can you even imagine - for the life of me I just don't understand why my teacher doesn't love me. I left class so disappointed. In my work tonight, in his lack of love for me - I mean as a WOMAN - HA - do you know what I said to him? We don't have class for 3 weeks and I said "Whatever will we do for 3 weeks till class starts again?" He said "Rest, audition - whatever." And I said "Maybe I will start dancing again in between." And he said "Yes - dance - bye-bye." OH MY GOD WHAT DID I SAY THAT FOR??? "Whatever will we do in between classes????" What was I trying to get him to ask me out??? YES BUT WHY - WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??? Oh my God - I walked to the elevator and I was like "REALLY - maybe I will dance again?" Fuck. I meant go to dance class and I also meant LOVE ME YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL AND PASSIONATE AND AMAZING. Most of the time. Haha - you had to see his face - he was like okay bye I have a date see ya. I was like well if that book He's Just Not That Into You taught me anything I can say he is not that into me. I also felt like he wasn't even into my acting. Ugh - really I probably just need a break. I'm so confused. My friend and I are writing our goals for 2014 and also what we did that was good in 2013 - what we accomplished. So - okay - that will make me feel better. Goals. I'm just sad and lonely but - well - sigh - life is sad and lonely sometimes I guess. Fuck I 'm crying but my nose tickles so is it even real? I don't even know him my teacher - maybe he is - not good for me. Oh boy - someone's alarm was going off in the building. I'm going to stop writing now. I love you Bluebie - love you true.