Life Changing Portal

I keep seeing portals. Symbolic portals. I went to an Artists Recovery group last night and I explained what I had been seeing and a man there said it's a portal. But to what? And how do I get there? If I jump in - will I ever come back? Is it a portal to a better me? Is my guy on the other side?? Sigh. I cried through almost my entire meditation today. I was so sad about my father. So sad and then also - I felt so much love. Fuck I'm going to cry again and I'm on the train and I have on make-up. I felt all this love from him - just pure love. And honestly I almost couldn't take it and it made me cry harder. It's so crazy - my life has been filled with struggle - mainly with myself and addiction but I always forget how hard it is to receive love. I'm going to throw up my vitamins. Just pure healthy love is almost more than I can take. Or maybe I can't take it. Maybe I can. Maybe it's time for me to grow in that way and be able to receive. Gross. I'm semi grossing myself out. Ha! Ugh. Anyway I'm headed into the city for an audition, a party for my acting class and a show. I gave my notice at work. Did I say that already? 2 more weeks. Ugh. I'm going to miss everyone there but it's time to move on. Oop - someone just sat next to me gotta go - love you Bluebie bye.