Talking to Myself

I'm just going to go ahead and talk to myself right now.  I do it all the time anyway - literally ALL THE TIME.  I answer myself & I go back and forth and it's one of the main reasons I love to be alone for - so I can talk to myself.  Just have a good 'ol heart to heart with me and me.  So here I am wanting to talk to myself because at this moment it feels like the only way I can be authentic.  So today  - ugh no.  What?  What do I want to say?  I am so busy lately and I am so happy about that and I feel like I am hatching out of an egg back into life.  After this whole nightmare of cancer and treatment.  Mind you I know I am better for it.  I AM BETTER FOR IT.  I am grateful for it - I needed a slap in the face and cancer did that for me.  I am pretty terrified of my next MRI in April - which btw I keep not scheduling because I am so scared.  However last night before I went to bed I asked my subconscious if I had cancer.  If they were going to find any cancer.  Right now at this moment I feel okay.  It does feel like however I am still - in a precarious position......so then I get to this part.....all the healing I am doing of my childhood.  Ugh God that's so hard to write.  It's uncomfortable and there were certainly people who had it worse but it doesn't matter.  It's a wound I feel and I deserve to heal it.  God wants me to be healed I know it.  Right now I am awake in the day and it's sunny and I am going to go to my program at the ymca.  I am alive and I have a shitload of hair again.  It's fucking crazy.  I want to stay alive.  So the healing......anyway I have a sore Achilles right?  It occurred to me to look up the emotional cause....I finally did yesterday morning and it said that it has to do with taking the slings and arrows from other people in.  Something about our personal power and being so effected by other people negativity.  It's just alanon right?  My boundaries - not being so open to other people's stuff.  WELL - so this morning I was meditating and CRYING - because I cry almost every morning when I meditate.  It feels like a combination of detoxing, just basic upsetness over what I have been through the last few years and then what else?  Um - well - I think I get caught up in the story and just cry over that - HAHA.  ANYWAY - but this morning I was crying and thinking about the wound from my mother and how much I love her and how wonderful she was to me and how I don't want to hurt her acknowledging that she hurt me even if she didn't mean to - or even if she did (which she didn't) and I don't know - it was the oddest sensation - I suddenly felt another version of myself - pulled back into me.  I don't know if I can fully describe it.  It was as if another me was floating above myself a bit and I reached up and pulled that version of me into me and I then became - full again.  IS THAT WEIRD OR WHAT???  Okay so as I type this I am thinking also - that there is ANOTHER version floating there also.  What I thought when it happened was that it was the pendulum swing.  That when I got sober I went from being this super selfish alcoholic to being this super alanonic alcoholic because then I wasn't being selfish but I Was SO ANGRY because I kept letting people hurt me - even though they didn't realize it - because I had no boundaries.  God this is all so exhausting.  Anyway yeah it was like I pulled a suit on that was me but I absorbed it.  It was fucking crazy.  I mean when I meditate I am always aware of my soul or spirit sort of floating sideways out of me and by the time I finish meditating I am sort of centered and back together like a puzzle.  But this sentsation this morning was completely different.  It was something else and at this moment I feel much more whole again.  So yeah - again - WEIRD.  But a relief. 

So I had to talk to myself to write this today because sometimes I imagine someone reading this and eye rolling and sighing and just being like "SERIOUSLY????"  I have to say though just as I wrote that I thought "Yeah but at least that person would be READING THIS."  Hahahaa.  Meaning I am just excited someone would be reading my blog.  Even though I don't want anyone to know who I am.  OKAY.  Well.  I'm tired.  I am okay though I am going to eat a salad now and go to my Livestrong Program and keep slowly moving towards being in shape.  LOVE YOU BLUEBIE BYE (thank you for being here for me big huuuuug)