I got a UTI last night while we were out to dinner. Is that the craziest thing you have ever heard? That has never happened to me before. I have woken up with them but I have never had one just DEVELOP while I was eating. IT WAS SO FUCKING PAINFUL. We went right to the store and I got something and then I went home and it proceeded to get WORSE. Then I was shaking and freezing - hole fuck it was awful. Then I got so mad because we had sex before we went to dinner and so I was blaming my guy. Then I was also mad because of cancer and cancer treatment and this awful, painful week I had......so crazy that my last post was about being excited for life and now I can't leave the house. I am though - still excited for life. However as it goes - I GUESS - that stupid onion peeled a little more and now some shit came up and I'm upset and angry. However - however it's different and here's why...I have tools first of all. I meditated this morning and I felt much better. I talk to myself differently in my head - so even though I'm upset and don't feel well - I am not letting my brain and negative thoughts run away with itself. Okay but let's talk about what happened this week - I need to get it off my chest.
I don't know why but someone got mad at me. Or it seemed like they were mad at me. I kept trying to clarify what was happening and I kept apologizing which then the whole thing melted down anyway and I ended up feeling so sick and not being able to sleep. I was supposed to go to therpy the next morning but I could not stop crying. Luckily my therapist talked to me on the phone and she helped me mostly get on the other side of it. then my boob that had the cancer in it felt better. Which was so fucking weird. This interaction (the person getting upset or being upset) somehow triggered so much shit from my childhood that I didn't even realize I was holding onto. It left me just shook - so shook and I couldn't stop thinking how I could have had a different life - really just blaming blah blah. And who knows maybe that is - or isn't true. The point is that I was still holding onto that pain. God - why do we do this? Why do I dig through this shit? Because on the other side is freedom - that's why. Clarity. Okay but I still have to write why this was so upsetting to me. First of all I really thought I had done something wrong and in fact - I did the absolute best I could and can. So I was sick because I kept apologizing. It brought up all this shame for just EXISTING. God it was fucking honestly and truly horrible. Let me just say that probably this was going to happen at some other point with some other person. IT has been in me for a long, long time and needed to come to the surface - so perhaps the incident itself wasn't even that awful but certainly what it triggered - was. So - so I promised myself that I would write this. I am writing this because I deserve to work through this. I am always so worried about other people and other people's feelings and so I didn't even want to write about this. But that is fucking bullshit. So I am letting myself express this. It's like I let myself get beat up. It felt very much like when I was working for that woman at the boutique and she would just flip out on me and sometimes I would have to tell her to stop. For the longest time I actually thought I did something wrong and then I realized I didn't - in fact the exact opposite. The guy says it came up because my worth is changing so this came up to be healed. I just wish it didn't feel so fucking awful. It's so crazy - recovery - because it's painful and it doesn't feel like it's going to change but it does and it's a million times better. Am I being honest or just angry? Both? I suppose both because I am angry. Living in chaos fucking sucks. I fucking hated it - I was always so confused and upset. I never understood why everyone was so upset or what the fuck was going on. Okay fine - I get it. There was also a shitload of love and super fun times. Yes. However - this is what has ultimately been brought up. I feel like I am at the mercy of other people and that I can't take care of myself or have my feelings. I have to say this feels like first world problems to be able to dig through this and that I have the time to sit here sick form it and parcel it out. But also - I am sick - I fucking got cancer and I want to live so I need to work through this. This is a huge part of my problem - feeling like I don't have the right to exist as I am and do what I need to do for me. So if you are louder, have more money or WHATEVER - than it all takes a pass to me. Am I even making sense? Yes - for me I am making sense. Ugh I feel sick. It's like I got to a puss pocket in myself. It's so fucking gross. I don't really know what to do and now this UTI is making me think negatively and I am so upset that this is effecting my weekend. This is the thing - I have no control over other people's thoughts or feelings. Everyone has their own higher powers and their own journeys. I guess what's making me so upset is that I was vulnerable. I was vulnerable as a child and I just am vulnerable now. What? Okay I am not as vulnerable now. I guess I sort of feel like an open wound but I'm not. I take care of myself. I didn't with this person - I should have said that you can't keep talking to me like this but oh well - I will. I will take care of myself. I just have such a conflict - when someone is upset and clearly hurting - even if they are hurting me I think "Well but they are so hurt!!" But there you fucking go - that's why I am in alanon and why I need all this fucking help. NO.. The answer is NO. I will not let myself be exposed to other people's chaos to the point where I am sick for 3 days or even 30 fucking years. Ugh - that's not even it. It's just this - feel my feelings, feel my childhood, rest and let it heal. I am a grown woman and I have a beautiful life. I am loved and I love myself and others. This feels confusing but I guess it isn't. It is just what I said - some buried shit from my childhood has come UP and it's super uncomfortable and I feel kind of sick from it. Luckily I am home resting right now and I can write and write till I feel better. I have 2 shows tonight and I have no idea how I am going to do them. Luckily they are near my house. I can do it. I can take a nap and I can do it. I have the chills. My poor little body. Some of scars from chemo are actually getting better - I never thought that would happen but they are healing. They kind of flare up a little bit and then they look way better. I guess that's what's happening to me emotionally. This is the flare up and then there will be healing. GROSS. BARF. Baaaaaaaarf. I was so sick last night form the UTI that it reminded me of chemo. Fuck that was so awful. Alright it's okay. This helped - writing helped. It always helps. I am going to go write in my journal now and then work on my stuff for tonight. Love you Bluebie bye. ps I just realized I also have choices. I am not trapped or at the mercy of people - I have choices. And help! I have choices and lots of help.
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