I just got home from

this long ass double.  I worked at the store and then went right to the club and worked 2 shows.  The first one had 5 people and they were nice and I really needed that fucking money.  The second show was great and I made some money thank God.  I wanted to eat a salami grinder SO badly on the way home - or a tub of ice cream or a PIZZA - a WHOLE pizza or - anything - but I jut kept thinking "feel your feelings - just fucking feel them."  Then I went to Duane Reade, came home and cried.  I miss my dog so much - I miss her fur - her putting her head on my chest - walking her.  Okay - okay - I'm trying so hard.  I have really, REALLY been trying so hard at the store.  Do you know what I realized?  People try to come in and when I unlock the door I go "Ugh" - and then don't really smile at people and when they leave and don't buy anything I'm annoyed.  So now - they try to come in - I lean over and unlock the door and I wave an smile at them.  Duh - what is wrong with me?  How dare I be rude to someone who is just walking in?  So - so I'm just going to keep working.  Both jobs - everything - just keep fucking going.  I am worried about Diabetes.  I read an article about how fat is a cause of it and how it is bad for your eyes - did I write this already?  Are my eyes bad because I have a fat back?  I don't know but I have to not have one now.  I just can't eat whatever I want anymore - that's just it.  I was so good this week and brought my lunch and snacks everyday and cooked lots of food at home.  And I love doing that but I have to stop with the ice cream and late night shit - no more.  I can't be blind and right now - I have fat that hangs over my pants/skirt/underwear.  I can not lie to myself - I am - what?  No shaped right for fat - that's it!  Okay - I have a Skype audition tomorrow - I'm excited.  I have to sleep I am so tired.  The man with cancer is nice - I like him - I mean I don't know him but he was nice to talk to.  So maybe we can meet up - I don't know.  I can not believe how painful it is still without her - holy fuck.  It's almost deeper now - insane.  Well -okay bye - I love you Bluebie - in some way things are changing and getting better - I do think so - think so?  Feel so - I feel so - yeah - choose that one.  BYE.