Thursday, July 11, 2013
I just got home from
this long ass double. I worked at the store and then went right to the club and worked 2 shows. The first one had 5 people and they were nice and I really needed that fucking money. The second show was great and I made some money thank God. I wanted to eat a salami grinder SO badly on the way home - or a tub of ice cream or a PIZZA - a WHOLE pizza or - anything - but I jut kept thinking "feel your feelings - just fucking feel them." Then I went to Duane Reade, came home and cried. I miss my dog so much - I miss her fur - her putting her head on my chest - walking her. Okay - okay - I'm trying so hard. I have really, REALLY been trying so hard at the store. Do you know what I realized? People try to come in and when I unlock the door I go "Ugh" - and then don't really smile at people and when they leave and don't buy anything I'm annoyed. So now - they try to come in - I lean over and unlock the door and I wave an smile at them. Duh - what is wrong with me? How dare I be rude to someone who is just walking in? So - so I'm just going to keep working. Both jobs - everything - just keep fucking going. I am worried about Diabetes. I read an article about how fat is a cause of it and how it is bad for your eyes - did I write this already? Are my eyes bad because I have a fat back? I don't know but I have to not have one now. I just can't eat whatever I want anymore - that's just it. I was so good this week and brought my lunch and snacks everyday and cooked lots of food at home. And I love doing that but I have to stop with the ice cream and late night shit - no more. I can't be blind and right now - I have fat that hangs over my pants/skirt/underwear. I can not lie to myself - I am - what? No shaped right for fat - that's it! Okay - I have a Skype audition tomorrow - I'm excited. I have to sleep I am so tired. The man with cancer is nice - I like him - I mean I don't know him but he was nice to talk to. So maybe we can meet up - I don't know. I can not believe how painful it is still without her - holy fuck. It's almost deeper now - insane. Well -okay bye - I love you Bluebie - in some way things are changing and getting better - I do think so - think so? Feel so - I feel so - yeah - choose that one. BYE.