Just swept up dog fur.......

and I could not stop fucking crying.  I swept under the bed and I knew there was dog fur but it hurt so much for some reason to sweep it up.  There were also 2 little dog bones - ugh - she used to love those things but in the last year she faded away from them.  I'm so sad - I miss her so much - I'm so sad she had to suffer.  I think I really have to calm down - I'm about to get my period and for some reason the cigarette smoke is especially horrendous today.  It's raining - is that why.  I sweat since I asked him about he has just smoked MORE.  That's okay - there is an air purifier coming.  I just changed the sheets, swept - made myself breakfast and lunch - went in the park, prayed & meditated - wrote a tiny bit - submitted myself for things - worked with my alanon sponsor.  How can I still be so sad - how is there time for it?  I called my parents - married for 52 years today.  52 fucking years - can you even imagine?  My birthday is on Saturday - my Mother keeps asking me to go home but I don't want to travel without the dog.  For 10 years I have brought that dog back & forth with me.  Smuggled her on Amtrak and carried her on Metro-North.  I am flat out fucking heart broken.  Okay - I should think about it - maybe I should go to my parents.  Okay - I'm going to lay down for a minute before I go to therapy.  Bye Bluebie - love your blog face.