It all matters right?

I am home again on the couch.  It's freezing outside and I don't feel well but mostly I'm just exhausted.  I did one show this week and I hosted so it made me so tired.  Yesterday I had things to do and it just wiped me out.  That was it!  I can barely do anything!  So I am home binge watching The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel.  It's wonderful!  Well anyway today while I was home and trying to drink tons of water because I also got very dehydrated I thought about how when I'm home I - ugh okay wait - let me say this in a different way.  I feel lie I sound like I am full of shit.  This morning while I was forcing myself to eat a healthy breakfast because all I have eaten lately is food that I want to eat which means it's food I shouldn't be eating and I have felt like it doesn't matter - this morning I realized it does matter.  It all matters.  It matters if I take care of myself - especially right now.  It matters that I think kind thoughts and just be nice to myself and let myself heal.  Healthy living matters.  Every little thing I can o to save my life right now matters.  It's that who cares and what does it matter that I think got me here to begin with.  The only problem is I don't know if I can do it.  I have been such a defeatist in so many ways in my life and I do often think whatever and who cares anyway.  But I care - I want to fucking live and I am terrified right now of not only this treatment but of the cancer coming back.  So it matters what I do, eat and think!  It all matters!!!  Jesus I know there needs to be balance also and I need to eat a piece of cake or whatever once in awhile....but I am already being compromised with this chemo and I need to offset that with healthy food and loving kind - other things.  So how do I do that?  How do I really take care of myself?  Especially when I'm sad, scared and triggered?  When I am like that I just want to eat mac and cheese.  Or a hot dog.  OR a burger with mac and cheese and a hot dog on it.  Yum!  I'm so exhausted and that just doesn't help any.  I mean eating like that.  Well anyway I'm not going to figure it out right now - somehow I thought I was going to.  I can only do what I can do today.  I can take care of myself at home today and work on tomorrow, tomorrow.  I'm going to meditate again - I'm so anxious and scared.  Very afraid of "out there."  Very anxious of outside my apartment.  Maybe I just don't want to leave and I am just saying I'm scared so I don't have to go outside.  Maybe it's both!!  Either way I'm not going outside!!  K love you Bluebie bye.