Monday, June 19, 2017

I'm not a victim - but I feel like one!

I only know I'm not a victim because I read all these self-help books and daily readers from the 2 programs I'm in that tell me - I AM NOT A VICTIM.  Okay - fine.  I also did a 4th step when I got sober where I got to see "My Part" in failed relationships and I was able to see I had A HUGE PART in these failed relationships and it wasn't just me being abused by countless numbers of people.  Man I feel like I am going to barf.  I just feel not good.  Yesterday was Father's Day and we went to the farm and it was so sad that my father wasn't there.  What can I say I miss him and nobody was even talking about him.  I asked my mother if she was okay and she said it was so intuitive of me to ask her that.  I said isn't everyone asking if you are okay?  On your first Father's Day without your husband of 55 years??  And she laughed and said no.  Is this where everyone just STOPS TALKING about my father?  Like he's just gone and oh well.  I am crying so hard.  I was walking around the farm and the trees look so beautiful but there were a few totally empty spots and I just realized that this probably isn't going to keep happening.  The trees will get sold and then in a few years maybe the farm will be something else but it won't be what he made.  Am I like masturbating crying right now or is this just grief?  It's so sad.  I know it's life and life changes and it's okay but it's so fucking sad.  My sisters son she gave up for adoption was there with his adopted family - which is beautiful right?  They are now an even bigger family and I can see the beauty and love in that but holy fuck that really rocked me too.  I mean I was 12 years old you know?  Okay you know what?  Like I said I am not a victim in my life - I am blessed beyond in so many ways but I feel emotionally distraught - which just made me laugh I don't know why - but I do and that just fucking makes me feel like a victim.  This is why people don't grieve and just gain 50 pounds or whatever.  It fucking hurts.  It hurts and what?  I don't know.  I guess I wasn't expecting that to upset me so much yesterday - all of it.  No one wants anyone to be upset.  It's all about love and growth I know - joining of families but good fucking Lord it's intense.  It's intense and I just have the sense memory of being there on that farm when she had him.  Plus I just really miss my father and the grounding effect he had.  It's just a hard time and is there where I realize none of it has to do with me?  Missing my father has to do with me the rest is other people's stuff and lives.  It's a beautiful thing but I guess it triggered me.  Plus my father's anniversary is coming up.  I'm not a victim but I am in pain.  Okay - it's okay.  I am going to exercise right now and then thank God I have those kids today and that will help.  Thank you for being here sweet blog - I just need to get it out sometimes.  Love you Bluebie bye.

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