Thursday, June 1, 2017

The Work That Mental Illness Made

They say alcoholism is a threefold disease....Mental, Physical and Spiritual.  I always get the physical and spiritual but the mental I always ignore.  Some part of me - the mental part I guess - doesn't believe I have a mental illness.  I guess that anyone who has read more than 2 entries of this blog would say "Really??  You don't think you are mentally ill?"  Haha.  ANYWAY.  It just occurred to me this morning while I was meditating in the sun and crying that perhaps I do really have a mental illness.  I just kept thinking all these HORRIBLE things and situations and my thoughts kept ATTACKING me - it was fucking awful.  I just brushed my teeth and was crying and thinking about a time when my father kept going to get my at the train station but I was still in the city wasted in my room.  He kept calling and was confused and upset.  When I finally called him back he said "Okay you can do your free spirit thing and that's fine but next time call me so I'm not driving back and forth to the train station thinking I missed you okay?" He wasn't THAT upset and JESUS - how is that helpful to my life?  I made an amends to him and God knows he wasn't a perfect father.  I just was really able to see today how I have this brain that for some reason wants to destroy me.  IT's just - well I guess - why do I keep saying I guess?  I don't know it doesn't matter what matters is that for the first time or at least the first time that I can remember I really see how these are my thoughts and they don't have anything to do with anything other than my own mental illness.  ISN'T THAT A GREAT DISCOVERY??  WOO-HOO.  Gross.  Anyway I suppose that is some sort of helpful thing but Jesus - it really seems like my brain and like they are thoughts I am supposed to listen to and go with.  I HOPE YOU FEEL SORRY FOR ME.  Hahahaaa.  I will cry more today but I have therapy.  Barf.  Anyway that's what is happening right now and it doesn't change anything really.  I have to keep doing what I'm doing already anyway.  Meetings, service, therapy, self-care and talking talking talking.  Love you Bluebie bye.

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