Stress, discovery and goals.

I went to 3 meetings on Sunday and I felt SO great finally at the end of the night.  Which is good because I wasn't able to get to a meeting last night because after the orientation and therapy, shopping for my new uniform I only had time to get to the open mike I went to.  Okay - I know this is lame and ridiculous but I have to say it - cute guy at the open mike and HILARIOUS - I mean fucking HILARIOUS - totally wacky, different and - just out there.  I love that shit you know?  So he's cute but once again - I right away felt awkward and sort of ran out of there.  I mean I was trying to act like I wasn't attracted to him but also I was so jealous of how great he was.  So here is one of my new goals - no comedians - that's it - no fucking comics or comedians or actors.  Fuck it - I am giving myself this year to work on my craft and WORK and I can't do it if I'm trying to not be myself so someone will like me.  I'm not kidding - that is completely what I do and I am sick of it and I am done.  I could have stayed there and talked to him like an artist and learned something - but no - I ran away and then when he walked by the bus stop I stared down like I didn't see him.  EW.  Fucking EW.  Do you know the craziest part??  I don't even really know if I was attracted to him.  I think my brain was attracted to him - WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT??  I don't have time for this shit - I have a new job, shows to do and class is starting.  I don't have time to manipulate a relationship out of someone - ha.  I really don't.  So here are my new goals - just work on my shit, give myself this year and DANCE.  I NEED TO DANCE.  All this being said I am a bit stressed out.  This new job is intense and for REAL - they are not fucking around and everyone has clear eyes - I didn't realize how much I never even look anyone in the eye at the comedy club.  Okay.  Ooookaaay.  Okay.  Um - okay.  I love Bluebie.  HA - like I Love Lucy only I Love Bluebie.  Sigh and bye.