Blech.

I was an hour late to the store and the owner had been here waiting for me and I just missed her.  Ohhhhh - not good.  So of course today I was a super worker and didn't make the five videos of myself that I wanted to do while I was here.  I was so much happier being productive here.  Why can't I work well but not from a place of FEAR.  Lord I was terrified.  Let's face it - she's still probably going to come in and I'm sure she's going to FREAK out on me.  I just couldn't get out of bed - I just couldn't.  Then I just couldn't quickly get ready.  Ugh - and now I'm in trouble.  Well the store looks great so that's good.  I feel scared - I'm so tired and I think maybe I'm crazy.  No for real.  Am I going to regret my life?  Where's the warmth?  God?  I don't know.  I have therapy at 7:00 and now I'm afraid she's going to come in here at 6:30 and yell at me.  I want to say that this is when I miss having drugs to some home to.  I want to say this is when I miss having a beer to go to.  I also want to say who gives a shit?  So I was a fucking hour late - it's not GOOD but I sell dresses and it's SO fucking slow right now - she literally ignores me for weeks before she even replies to an email or phone call.  I'm just so tired and so stressed out.  I can tell you for a fact that drugs and alcohol would not help with that at all.  I have to go.  Ugh bye Bluebie.