“There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep yourself open and aware to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open. ... No artist is pleased. [There is] no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a queer divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others”
That is a quote by Martha Graham. My acting teacher has quoted it many times and right now at this point in my life it is speaking to me. REALLY speaking to me. Here is what is happening. On many levels I am healing. My past, my childhood and my body from cancer and cancer treatment. I am lucky and blessed. I have a lot of help and I need it. I am realizing 2 things about myself that have been core truths that I have "chosen" loosely to live by - although I don't think it was completely conscious.
First what my Grandmother told me a couple years before she died. She told me "Well no one ever told you you were good at anything - so - you're not." BOOM. Mic drop. OUCH. Well it's fucking true. I am actually good at a lot of things but what I really want to do I never thought I was good at - or that it was an option to DO - full-time as a career or to help facilitate my life. Which brings me to the second one...
Second....I have always thought I can't have what I want. Period. Again - core truth that isn't necessarily true or at least that is what I am finally figuring out. When people ask what are your wildest dreams?? I DONT EVEN THINK OF ANYTHING. I just don't think it's possible so why even think of it. GROSS. So there it is. 2 core truths that are not helpful or true.
So I am sitting here in my office which I have finally decide to use as my office - instead of using the couch as my office. I am in here writing. I am going to keep my mother-fucking channel open by being just as fucking creative as I want to be until the jobs come where I can get paid and support myself and my family doing this. I am in essence going to get the fuck out of my own way. I can tell me now what I am good at. I am good at this - creative expression. I have passion, discipline and focus. I am alive. I lived now through 2 life threatening things and I have been taken care of. So I am keeping my channel open.
I have shows tonight. I'm nervous. The booker is going to be there and even though he continues to book me - I don't think he actually thinks I'm very funny - but what do I know. That being said - I can still do the job. I have so many fucking tools now. I just need to do my work and whatever it is - it is. Okay. Well love you Bluebie - my God - what a life right? Byeeeee.
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