Bonkers - The Musical!!!

Ugh - attitude right here right now.  Where have I BEEN.  I tried to run a half-marathon last week but got - well my leg hurt.  My leg has been hurting.  It's going to be fine it just needs to heal.  I am just so frustrated but I don't even know why.  I had off from the kids this week which is great but I am discombobulated.  I cooked yesterday and that felt good but now I am angry again.  I just have stuff I need to do and I am tired.  That's really what's happening is I am tired.  I am not the kind of tired I was when I was getting the chemo but I am sleepy.  I am feeling much better in general and even GOOD sometimes but the exercising REALLY helps.  So I am having trouble with that because of my knee.  I tried to go to a chiropractor.  I did go to a chiropractor.  He is also a holistic doctor and I have no idea what the fuck was going on but I am not going to be going back.  He took some scan of my spine and said I had all these problems in it and that's why my knee hurts?  He took an exray of my neck and said "See??  See all that damage you have?  And degeneration??"  And I was like "No??  It looks really good to me?"  Then I said "I don't understand why they didn't see this when I got a bone scan??"  He said "They didn't know what to look for."  THE PEOPLE WHO SCAN BONES DON'T KNOW WHAT TO LOOK FOR?  Okay then he adjusted me - you know cracked my neck and then my legs felt better.  SO WHAT THE FUCK?  Maybe my neck is fucked up?  I don't know I am not explaining this well but he also couldn't tell me if he took my health insurance - they had to "see what was wrong with me" and then check.  I was like MY KNEE HURTS THAT'S WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME.  That's why I am here!!  Only I also secretly wanted this guy to be like "SEE - SEE THIS??  THIS IS WHY YOU HAVEN'T BEEN THRIVING IN LIFE AND WHY YOU GOT CANCER."  I mean I guess he sort of said that but it didn't make any sense and more than that it felt like bullshit.  He also cured himself of cancer somehow but it was incredibly unclear to me how he did that and he cried twice in front of me.  HE CRIED TWICE.  I did not know what to say.  I was like how the fuck is a doctor crying to me right now?  Um - okay.  Why am I so angry?  I guess because I wanted my fucking knee to feel better and for a day it did and now it hurts again and I didn't even really feel like that - fuck I don't even know what I am writing.  I guess this is a hormonal thing.  I will tell you what - exercising makes me feel so much better.  So I need to figure out a way to fucking do that.  It's fine.  ITS OKAY.  I guess I got caught up in this guys "business model" and I am embarrassed.  Yeah.  I'm just uncomfortable.  I'm uncomfortable and I want cute outfits.  I want a chef, a dog and a baby?  A baby???  A dog.  A cat?  I DO NOT KNOW WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT.  I also haven't gotten onstage this week and that fucks with my head too.  Well I think this helped although it is probably super uncomfortable to read. Do you know what I just realized?  I can meditate again.  I CAN MEDITATE AGAIN.  Glorious.  Holy cow that just made me exhale.  I can do my hair, work on my office and meditate again.  Wonderful.  Love you Bluebie.