I'm not okay and I'm never going to be.

I'm not feeling okay. I can't ppop and I'm so uncomfortable and I feel crazy like that awful day in Ct. I can't believe I have to go to that stupid job tomorrow and I feel alone. I just - I don't know - I'mnot okay. I don't feel loved. I tried so hard today. I went to that rehearsal and I got a really cheap and fantastic mani/pedi on the Lower East Side. I even had a taco and a coke. I went to a meeting but I felt like I was going to explode it was so hot. I just - I'm not okay. I tried to leave early and someone told me to tsay so I called my sponsor but it really didn't help. I literally feel hung over, bloated and gross all the time lately. I feel just as badly as I did when I drank. I don't understand what is happening. My mother called me to say she's coming in to see my cousin's baby. Why don't I have a baby? Why don't I have someone inmy life. I just live a this house why I get locked out, I can't use the kitchen because they eat my food and it's all my fault. I brought this into my life - it's my patterns. I don't know what to do. I'm really at my breaking point. What does that even mean? I need relief. No one cares about me. Is that true? Why am I saying that? It's so many negative thoughts - I'm completely not okay but I look great. Am I going through cigarette withdrawal again? My skin looks so good but I look six months pregnant. Maybe I should just got to the store and get some ice cream. Why do I feel so ignored and unloved, neglected and fucking filled with rage? I hate this fucking boutique job. She concelled those days and she never pays me on time and it's hot as shit in there. I don't know - why wouldn't she have worked ANY of those days I've worked? I can't think straight. I need to go get some snacks. Soem nice, delicious, unhealthy snacks. That's all. I guess my body will poop when it wants to. Triphala AND chia seeds. My poor fucking legs have no circulation. How does this seem better than drinking? I'm not hung over - really and I do not smell and I do not need to borrow money from anyone. I am so not spriritually in shape. I had no idea these 3 weeks at the boutique would do this to me. I can't not go to meetings. How can I get to one tomorrow? I'm such a disaster. I'm going to take some Melatonin and go to bed. I am exhausted really. I was mean tot he landlord. I just couldn't have astupid conversation about it raining uptown but not downtown. He makes me so upset. All cuddled up with his boyfriend on the couch but I can't have guys over. Okay - go to bed. Go to bed and please let tomorrow be different. Let me please not drink. Le tme get out of this house. Help me grow up - I'm a child in my childhood of neglect and martrdom,hypocisy and rage. All of that is so exhausting. Over worked, under paid, anry and so lonely. I'm so lonely. I'm so fucking lonely. I don't want to drink - please I don't want to go back. It's going to pass and change. It will.