Sunday, July 31, 2011

Still sober, confused but less angry.

I had a nice day. I guess? I am exhausted. I got home last night at about 1:00 a.m. after working both jobs and very hard at the comedy club. I got home and Tall Not So Dark And Creepy was playing music of himself playing his Guzheng while playing his Guzheng - VERY loudly and no I'm not fucking kidding. I walked the dog and realized while I was out there that if I said goodnight on my way back up the stairs maybe he would stop. He did but at 3:00 a.m. after I was asleep for a little over an hour he started playing again...or that's when his "quiet playing" woke me up. I put in ear plugs and went back to angry sleep. I woke up at 8:00 - no - yes - I don't know - um - yes - my alarm went off at 7:00 but I woke up at 8:00 and got ready super fast, walked the dog and went to Brooklyn which took forever. I met my family for a wonderful breakfast at a super cute place and then brought my Mom to Penn Station and stayed with her there till her train came. Then my battery went off my phone, I shopped, got so fucking tired, ate, went to the bank,shopped more, ate more and went to a meeting. I should have gone home at some point but I didn't trust myself to leave the house again. I shared at the meeting and was sooooo fucking - I don't know - over shared I guess. My friend made fun of me but who cares? I came home, cleaned, did dishes, walked the dog and ate some more. I also drank lots of water. I got some really cute things today and I didn't spend too much (except for the 77 dollars I spent on make-up) but it makes me feel so fucking guilty for doing nice things for myself. I'm going to pay my rent when she gives me my money from the boutique. I'm so annoyed at his boyfriend. That's not right - I can't do that. Okay - I have so much to learn and I'm so - I don't know. It's so hard - it's so uncomfortable. To talk in front of people and I want to be FUNNY and CHARMING and for everyone to LOVE me and leave me alone and think I'm great but not look at me too much. What the fuck? In reality I should have gone home at some point today and charged my phone, taken a nap and washed my hair. I had time for all of that but I just didn't want to get back ont he subway or - what? Be in reality? I can NOT beat myself up. I'm just saying. I have to go to sleep. Fuck I really need glasses and I LOVE a clean room. So much. I need to sleep. I'm getting my taxes done tomorrow. It's time - it is August tomorrow after all. The good part is that he had plenty of appointments available. Okay I also have to get my niece's present etc. So tired - feel sick bye.

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