I'm not sure what just happened but I went back and

looked again at what I shouldn't be looking at and I suddenly saw what I didn't see at first. I saw what I saw when I looked a that old boyfriend....the falseness and the - bullshit and the - acting. The - ugliness underneath. The - the part that I don't have any desire to be. I have to go. This is so hard right now that my forehead hurts.