Tuesday, July 26, 2011

I was mean to the landlord today.

I had gotten home last night and there was water on the shower floor and I had showered 10 hours before that. Then there was a nose smudge on the mirror which he has left those on my windows when he opens them. So today I just couldn't help myself and I asked him if he was in my bathroom. He said and I'm not kidding you "Whyyyyy was there moisture in there???" He was all over shocked and full of shit. then I got pissed. I walked the dog and came back in and again he said how strange it was that someone was maybe in there (are you fucking kidding me) and I still was going to let it go until he asked if my door was locked. So then I said yes - yes my door was locked but SO WHAT? He said - oh well if the door was locked?? And I said - my door is always locked and you unlock it - go in there and then lock it again - so so what? Did he hear me - probably not. But I said it and it felt good. When I left I said bye and for him to have a nice day but he didn't say it back. This is one of those things where he will say I was being abusive. I just was mad - mad that I have to leave the house to come here and I don't feel safe - just mad. Mad and done. Why should I carry it around with me all the time? He invades my boundaries and my space and I'm tired of it. I'm sure I will have to write to him and say sorry because that's the right thing to do - even though he has never said sorry to me for upsetting me, or leaving keys in my door - etc. I feel like I felt years ago when I was with that boyfriend - all used up and taken from. I feel like I am going to self destruct so huge. I called my sponsor and told her that I tried to get the Benedryl, didn't go to a meeting and was mean to the landlord. I have been fantasizing about flicking shit on his face and into his eye with a fork. How gross is that? Well it's not so hot today and I have on this comfortable dress so that is good. Please he doesn't care that I'm upset - he is looking at porn and smoking pot right now. I have to go BLueb - please pray for me.

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