I tried to get Benedryl tonight.

I really did - I went to a BOdega and they didn't have nay. Then I went to another one, then another one and then another one. Then I was like - fuck it I'm going to Duane Reade and I'm getting it there - if they don't have it there then I'm not meant to have it. I knew they would have it - they ALWAYS have it. Guess what? They didn't have it. All the shelves of it were empty. Gone, done and empty. I had to actually look at the shelf to see if I was in the right place. Then I was so shocked that even thought they had the Duane Reade version of it I couldn't get it - I said I wouldn't get it if there wasn't any at Duane Reade so I got a coffee instead. Then as I walked by ANOTHER bodega I went in there and asked for it - and he said no. I asked why no one had it and he said that no one has it anymore and he doesn't know why. I even went in the dollar store - and they just had any empty box of it. Mother fucker - how am I supposed to over look that I can't take that shit and I'm not meant to. It's already 11:00. I took Senekot for my pooping - lack of pooping problem. I hope it helps. I'm not even hungry - that's how fucked up I am. I'm always hungry. So I'm sober, angry and constipated. Haha but I have on cute shorts, a cute sweatshirt and I got a cute dress today. What? I can not bring myself to look through my clothes for my pregnant sister. She wants my fat clothes - OR just my clothes - for her for the fall. She's due in November which means she will be 8 months pregnant and wants my regular clothes to wear. She got so fucking pissed at me for not going to her family party and she also didn't give me a card or a present and it was my 40th birthday. She didn't even got ot the beach with us - did she? Who cares. I care - I think that much is clear - I care very much but not in the right way about the right things. I just really want to drink or do something. I want some relief, some warmth - something that feels like love. I think I realized how my siblings don't actually respect me. Or anyone for that matter. Not my favorite sister - she is amazing - for real. But I feel like she is gone - faded away - doesn't want or know how to deal with me. Or she is living her own life, dealing with her own things. I'm an awful, selfish person. Why does this feel like it is getting harder? I don't think I can keep this job - it's so awful and I'm getting really crazy from it. I have 5 more days of working there and then my friend comes back. Maybe she can take a day before then. I feel upset that I said I would do this. It hasn't worked out at all. I don't know I need to stop writing. Bye BLueb.