Monday, July 25, 2011
Still not okay and now I'm going to be late for work.
I just went on FB and for some reason ended up at a place where I shouldn't be. I feel so sick to my stomach. I'm ot okay at all. I just - I can handle that I am an aloholic and that I hurt myslef and now drinking isn't an option. I can handle that I'm alone and Iwon't get to have children. I can't handle this sick feeling in my body all the time. I really am getting more suicidal as the days go on. How do people get to have what they want? I just don't have any love left in me. I should callmy therapist. I should do that. I just want to leave. My dreams are dead. I have no idea why I ma here and no one is ever going to love me - I can feel it. I just don't know where to go. This is a bad bad place to be in. It might get better. Maybe I will get my period finally and then all of a sudden I will be laughing and watching a good movie and everything will be okay. Maybe I will quit this job and - why? Why doens't it ever get better for me? What did I do? Why am I so bad? Why won't these thoughts stop? Why am I so haunted? Why doesn't any of the work I do help? Why aren't I special? Fuck - Ireally just wnat o smash my head into the wall. I wrote face and then changed it to head. I don't want to hurt my face. See there you go. SLightly amused by that - on my way up. IT's probably so selfish that I write all this right? No one is reading it so it doesn't matter.