What the fuck?

Okay - look I got a haircut yesterday and it was expensive and on Monday I bought myself a 40 dollar pair of sneakers. I didn't get a haircut/color or it would have been SUPER expensive. I didn't buy expensive sneakers and anything else I spent money on this week I needed - like food and yesterday I only ate food that I brought with me. Now she hasn't paid me for the boutique or she paid me yesterday and it hasn't gone through yet. So now I am beating myself up for having gotten a haircut and buying sneakers and I only have a dollar left in my checking account. Oh I had 5 dollars worth of Sushi - I had that. Ugh I am so upset. I'm upset and I'm trying not to be. I sent her an email and asked her when she did pay me. Thank God I didn't plan to go to the beach with my friend Melissa - I would have had to cancel last minute. So should I go to the bank and take out money from my savings? One week in and I'm already fucking this up. I do not like being out and about with no money - it's awful. Okay - look - I didn't budget well and it totally annoys me that I can not depend on her - what an asshole. I'm so fucking mad right now. I really am. This is exactly what I have trouble with - I feel like I don't have a right to get mad and I also feel like had I lived differently this week this wouldn't matter. It would ALWAYS matter - I'm SUPPOSED TO GET PAID ON TIME. She fucking screamed at me until I fucking CRIED hysterically because I made a mistake and had to hang up the phone because I couldn't take it anymore and SHE NEVER PAYS ON TIME. Fuck. Okay - I clearly need a meeting and I am so glad I'm not taking Saturday off from work - I have to work this weekend. I'm supposed to go see my parents on Sunday. Fuck - I am in such a bad mood - it makes me wan to go to her boutique - turn on the lights and then lay down in the dressing room and meditate and take a nap. I am really having a hard time tolerating these feeling right now and you know what? I have every right to be angry - who wouldn't be angry? Seriously - what a fucking asshole. She's in THE HAMPTONS and she couldn't - ugh - okay - look - I'm done - I will talk to Victoria about it and right now I guess I need to eat some breakfast and pray and meditate. Figure out my day a little differently that's all - no paying bills for me today. It's alright they aren't due yet. Bye Blueberry - I do love YOU. I just want what I want and I'm not getting what I want but honestly - that happens sometimes. What also happens is she never pays on time and that's really fucking annoying. Oye - okay - I could get a job somewhere else right? Now I'm exhausted.