Friday at the boutique.

Okay - so I found out the name of an acting teacher from a guy at the club that I like a lot. I have to do something. I also have got to move out of that house. I got home and the fan was gone from my room last night. Granted it was the landlord's fan but I only took that one because he had mine. To be honest I put my fan downstairs because it was all rickety and was driving me nuts - so I Feng Shuied it from my room by putting it in the kitchen. Well they started to use it for the bed and breakfast rooms and I also started getting really annoyed at not having a fan. So I took the nice fan out of the room across from me when no one was staying in there. Then they put MY fan in there and snapped off one of the legs so it wouldn't be rickety anymore. Which is really smart but I still wanted the nice fan. Well so he asks where his fan is last week - I don't know - so last night or yesterday - he unlocked my door - took the fan and locked the door again. So I got really mad - took my fan and went down and told him he took MY fan and that's why I was using HIS fan because I didn't know where MY fan was. Meanwhile - that wasn't entirely true and what I was really pissed about was him going in my room. It's really partly that I have my Big Book out and my plaque my sister gave me with the Serenity Prayer on it out. He doesn't believe in the program because he is an active addict and he says there is no 13th step - you are never finished - never on your own. Well - of course that is the point abut he isn't into it and is fact AGAINST it. Or at least he was. He isn't a horrible man - he is just narcissistic, has no boundaries and is completely high all the time. It's also the fact that it was just so sneaky and he is so - look - I don't know. I have got to get out of that house. I want to think bigger - be bigger than my feelings but I'm not right now. It infuriates me that he has no boundaries and that I know I can leave out creative projects because he is in my room whenever he wants and he would - I don't know - look at them and ruin them with his horrible energy. I need to move - I want to move. I want to have kitchen with spices and teas that I can make for myself. I miss cooking so much it hurts. It literally hurts. You know what's really crazy? I can see him in my room right now. He is literally in my room right now. Doing what I have no idea. Probably taking the fan and then putting it back. This fan IS my fan. Okay - I have to calm down and make a new vision board and really start saving money and figure out where I want to go. I think I finally figured out what all the X's I see all the time mean. When Grace crosses Willingness = X(sobriety). I don't know how to explain it. Look I know part of what makes me so mad about Tall Not So Dark and Creepy is historical and my issues. Maybe if I was in a great mood last night it wouldn't have bothered me so much nor would I have felt the need to twist it into something it wasn't. But the reality is that I am not happy nor comfortable there and I want to move out. I want a kitchen and a bathtub and I deserve those things. I also want a lock on my door and to be able to be FREELY creative. I can't trust him and that's not okay - at all. I have no idea ever what he is doing. Look - I have no idea what anyone is doing. And part of this is just how I feel but it is time for me to move on. FUCK. I have to go Blueberry - thank you for listening to me rant. I'M WILLING FOR MY LIFE TO CHANGE!!!