I woke up twice in the middle of the night - once because it smelled like smoke - soooo much - and the other time because I thought my father died. Right a that moment. I feel so sick to my stomach and I am experiencing a LOT of fucking anxiety. What the fuck is going on with me? I have to say that I am a mess and I would love to know when my being sober is going to help improve my life? It is cleaner - my life is cleaner - I am cleaner. I just feel so scared right now - paranoid. Is it this work I am doing from The Presence Process? Am I really this scared all the time and I had no idea? Holy shit - it's insane. I'm riddled with anxiety right now. My dog is better - for sure - awww - she has been sleeping with me all night long!!! Sooo sweet. It might be in part the cigarette smoke and the stress of working 2 jobs I don't like and I feel like I am getting nowhere - fast. I need to start looking at Graduate Schools again. I would need to apply by February I think so I should really get going on this. I have an idea for an article I want to write. I'm scared to do it. Yesterday I was thinking I was just too tired - I have no inspiration, I'm not really interested, I have no talent....but I really think I'm just scared. Okay I have to be brave and nice today and tell my friend I can't come in and work 2 hours for her anymore on my days off. I also think I might have to switch my days so I'm not doing doubles all the time. Something about writing on here and this coffee is making me feel better. Jeez - I really need a meeting. A meeting and then run errands and then go work for 2 hours all the way over on the East Side completely out of my way. Ooooo - I have a bad attitude!! It is adding structure to my day AND I will walk everywhere. Okay - boundaries - this is an opportunity for boundaries. I feel sick again. I can't wait to go to the doctor tomorrow - jeez. Okay - bye Bluebie - I love you.
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