I am not okay today.

I am freaking out. I woke up awhile ago already - it's 7:09 a.m. right now. I'm having a lot of anxiety. I drank too much coffee yesterday and I got over stimulated and felt like I was tripping my balls off. I also smelled smoke again last night - part of me thinks it's the people across the hall and it comes in through the vent. Even if it is only a little bit of smoke - I reaallly smell it and am effected by it. I just am a wreck. I'm having obsessive thoughts and being really hard on myself. I'm not going to go into detail - why bother? What is happening is I'm an anxious, over stimulated and being really hard on myself. I also have an anniversary coming up and so I'm extra worked up. This meditation I'm working on is making me realize all my fear and anxiety and I'm very uncomfortable. I bought some clothes yesterday and groceries. I went swimming and it was fantastic. It is really time for me to move on in my life - maybe go back to school and I'm stuck in the past again. Maybe I need to - what? Oh I know - I just want to move on from a place of power. Yes - jeez. Ugh - I am so lucky that I am - what? I am still upset from Saturday night. I feel so lonely and I also feel left out. Oh dear. This will pass and I keep telling myself that but it doesn't seem to be helping. I have to tell her that this 2 hour working for her isn't going to work for me. I'm not going to so why am I even saying it? I don't fell talented or lovable in any way - again. I really don't feel talented and it makes me mad. And when I get mad I feel like I am a completely horrible person. Okay - I am going to pray and meditate and do yoga and see if it helps. I need to get a good night's sleep tonight and I will feel better. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow so that will be good. Lordy. Bye Bluebie.