Wednesday, May 26, 2010
What am I going to do with my life?
Day 266. Holy cow - I am nuts. I am also hot because it was 90 degrees today. I managed to get to a meeting and to Blockbuster and I got a salad for dinner. I used an online calorie counter thing and it turns out I was eating about twice as many calories as I need. Oh - well that explains a lot. So I had one cookie instead of 2 and I had half a Charleston Chew - OKAY TWO THIRDS OF IT - jeez and a salad. What the fuck. I wasn't even that hungry - I'm just annoyed and don't know what to do with this annoying feeling inside me. Will it ever go away? I watched Vicky Cristina Barcelona tonight and it was awesome. SO beautiful and sexy. Penelope Cruz was amazing in it and so was - well everyone was great. Remember when I wanted to be an actress? Remember when I did stand-up comedy? Remember when I went to dance class all the time - and acting class and voice classes? Remember when I never thought I was really good at anything? Well - except comedy. I am funny and I am a good joke writer. I guess. Part of me is only saying that because people want to take my jokes all the time. Well at least they ask. Anyway - I don't even think I'm being hard on myself - I'm not really that great at anything. But I love LOVE LOOOOVVEEE the arts. All growing up I wanted to be an artist. I wanted to go to art high school and then art college. I REALLY wanted to be Lawrence Welk and I then that turned into Prince. I wanted to be a short, black AMAZINGLY TALENTED man. What's wrong with that - he is the mother fucking shit. And I have to be honest with you blog - at this moment - right here - I don't know what I'm good at. I would have been a good teacher but my SOUL wasn't in it. And now - now I'm so tired and/or just - ugh in my first year of sobriety I guess. Why did I wait so long? I wish I stopped drinking sooner and went back to school. It never fucking occured to me to go to school. To get my Masters. I'm probably not spelling that correctly. My housemate/landlord went out for like 2 hours tonight so I was able to clean and do some laundry. And open my door. If I open my room or me up in any way he will come talk to me or ask me things or to do him favors or tell me about his illnesses that he doesn't have. He thought (which I knew he didn;t have) this crazy ear disease and today the doctor said he had a vitamin deficiency. Oh boy - now he's going to have to stop walking with that cane!!! I don't know - am I an ass? Why am I still here? This is nuts. Part of why I live here is because of a guy. I think part of me thought I would be near this guy and that he and my landlord were friends and that since things didn't work out with my husband they would surely work out with him. Um - riiiiight. That is the most ridiculous thing in the world. And now - ever since I have been getting sober - the thought of him is just fading away. It just seems so childish and - just - I don't know. I'm not interested in torturing myself with it and it feels like it never happened. So. So I cleaned tonight and I knew I didn't have to go to a meeting but I also knew if I didn't - I would get depressed. So I guess I did have to go. That movie was so fucking sexy. In a healthy way. Not in a creepy dark way. What? In a sexy, loving way. Oh jeez - it's summer time and I think God made me fat so I don't freak out and just bang someone on the street. Clean bathroom, clean toilet, clean shower, clean bed and sheets, clean toenails. Dirty hair, dirty body (sweaty from cleaning and walking around the city), dirty mind. And a hopelessly desperate soul. I want to have a love affair. Well a permanent one. What?? I don't know - stop judging me blog or whatever you are doing. Oh - lauging at me? Ignoring me? Listening to your Ipod? Doodling - I bet you are doodling. Boobs and penises - I bet that's what you are doodling. I need to go to sleep and then break up with my gym tomorrow and join a new one. I need to make the rest of my rent this weekend and I need to make enough money to join the gym. IS IT POSSIBLE?? WILL IT HAPPEN?? WILL SOME GORGEOUS GUY LOVE ME? IN A SEXY LOVING WAY? I'm tired and I hope you are too.