Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Day 265

Oh holy cow I'm actually almost at 9 months. WOW. I'm almost sober 9 months. I have never been sober 9 months in my entire life. When I was growing up it was television, and the food at different times - men - shopping - let's see - what else? I don't know but I'm not doing those things except for food but oh well, I guess I am watching lots of Hulu but I'm in love with these shows!! House, Bones, Castle and Lie to Me. I also like Burn Notice. Whatever - I'm not perfect and I'm not being a total disastrous unaware of my self mess. I think. I've been picking my face. I haven't done that for like 14 years. So that's weird. What the fuck - can't I be proud of myself for being sober? Almost 9 months is AMAZING and it's been hard. I have to feel these feelings and let myself be uncomfortable or I will not be able to move on. What? Ugh - what I'm really saying is I want to speed up this process somehow. Heal up and move on so I feel skinny and sexy and I can do what I want to do!! Even though I don't know what I want to do!! How ridiculous is that? I'm so fat. I weigh so much. More than I have ever weighed. And people will not stop offering me seats on the mother fucking subway. They wave and get my attention - it's so fucking embarassing. And sweet I guess - people can be nice. The guy who I live with - in his house - he never leaves. He never leaves the fucking house - it's so annoying. And he limps around with a cane even though he doesn't need it and he smokes pot out of paper towel tubes with tin foil in them. He also has male prostitutes or Craig list hook-up men over all the time and he make them leave their shoes by the front door. It took me so long ti figure out why the fuck he has them take off their shoes. Sometimes he brings them in through the back door and he has them leave their shoes there. I know this because I walk in and out of the house and I have seen sooooo mony pairs of shoes it's insane. One time I saw I pair by the front door as I walked the dog out the front and then this guy came walking by me - WITH THE SNEAKERS ON. It was so fucking weird. He just looked totally normal - just strolling down the street. And just to make double sure I walked back in and looked and indeed the shoes were gone. They woke me up in the middle of the night they were banging so loud. What the heck is that?? I think that I had the perfect place to just be destroying myself with booze and drugs. Yuck. I sound crazy but I don't care. I like writing - I really do - this feels so good. It's just where my life is right now. I hope that - well here's what I hope now. I hope I get sober, grow up, get awesome work and then I hope I meet someone real. Who loves ME. And whom I love. Who really cracks me up and just loves the shit out of me. And whom I am CRAZY about - really, really crazy about. And who thinks I'm funny because if that isn't there - forget about it. Well - that's all. Sex. I can't believe I might have it again one day. In a healthy way. I wanted to join the Peace Corps when I was younger but I couldn't imagine not having a boyfriend - or not having sex. Wow - I'm going to go ahead and say it's best I didn't go if that was my frame of mind anyway. Now - now I just can't imagine who I could fall in love with. I want someone to kiss me in that way - that soft, loving, tender way. Like I saw tonight on House. HAAA - how ridiculous!!! Like on House. I am a 12 year old. This isn't what I thought my life would be like. Living with a gay pothead in Harlem in a beautiful house that's a bed and breakfast with a one-eyed chihuahua, divorced from a man who has my full name tattooed on his arm. My biggest claim to fame in my life right now is the CD we made together and that one music video. I was soooo fat and miserable in that video. And I look so much better than I do now. We were up all night long doing coke the night before the video shoot. He wouldn't stop doing coke and so I started to do it with him to try and save the marriage. And I hate coke. Thank GOD I knew better than to have a baby. I guess I wanted to see the hold it had over him and why. SO bizarre and sad. What is my point blog? I don't know. I guess I want to get all this stuff aout and part of me hopes someone will read this and then get in touch withme and offer me tons of money and a beach house to write for them and star in their TV show. Or some other version of that. Write music for them and sing on their newest CD. My shoulders are tight and I'm frustrated and annoyed and tired now. Exhausted really. I have to try and sleep - at least I need to shut the shades and get in bed and read and write mor ein my journal. Relax if you will. Thanks blog. TV and movie kissing - what a mind game. I love you - even more than TV and movie kissing.

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