Monday, May 31, 2010

I keep watching movies to get inspired

but so far it hasn't happened. I just cry or laugh or think but no inspiration. I read a story I started to write today. I wrote it a long time ago - I read it today. Like 10 years ago, long time ago. Well - it's good!! Incomplete but good. I also read a couple of jokes that are very funny. So I love to write - there is that. Ugh - I just watched The Private Lives of Pipa Lee which was really good. I liked it a lot. This is what I think right now blog - I am still cleaning house. But it's getting better. I am starting to really get rid of the clutter in my brain and the thoughts that I should be someone other than me. I should and want to be the best version of me I can be - BUT I want to get rid of all those prevailing thoughts where I'm - WRONG somehow. I could see a progression of change in my writing that I looked at today. From light hearted fantasy and reaality to a forced fantasy - emotional/intelligent combo that was FORCED. Not flowing or fun. Ah - I can't blame it all on that woman who directed and helped "create" my one-woman show. She didn't create - she - like - ugh - molded it on the way out of me. What a cunt. But in all fairness - I let her and - well - who cares? It's done now and never have to see her again. And in all fairness again I had an agenda in mind. Ooooo - an AGENDA - so saucey. I did - I wanted to get into a certain festival in a certain way and I wanted her and everyone else to help me get there and blah blah blah. I also was feeling guilty all the time for being ME and wanted people that I "associated" with to make me "look" better. Right - because that works. I want you to make me feel better and I want you to make me look better and I want this result for all of it. Oh BOY!! I got so mother fucking LOST somewhere - I really did. And my writing changed and my spirit changed. Ah - so sad - so sooooo sad. But okay - I'm here now - working really hard to let it all go. What would happen in the fairy tale at this time? The fallen princess would come to life again and what? I don't know. Go to the beach and HEAL. Pray, meditate and visit churches. Put a spell on herself to get rid of the bitterness - holy crud. Go to the edge of the ocean and throw all the bad thoughts and useless energy sucking bugs AWAY into the wind to be dissolved and lost in the waves. WOO-HOO!!!! I like that. Whooooshhh - away they go - I declutter me now and pronounce me BORN AGAIN!!! Oh that sounds exhausting. I declutter me and pronounce me on to a NEW PATH in LIFE!!!! Hoorahhhh!!! I'm so tired - please let me sleep before the morning tonight. I love you blog - my secret to helping open up my spigot of creativity. WOOOOOSHHHHHH. Plink. Shrinky dink.

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